The Chuckle Diaries bring's you life behind the website, sometimes funny, sometimes sad always real.

SUN 31st

AUG 

Sunday morning and I wake with my first thought being I need sandpaper I lead such a riveting lifestyle. I pop up to the man-shed only to discover I cannot find the keys (bloody men) text said man (he’s in work)knowing he will not respond for at least an hour I move to plan two I will pop out and buy some. 

I wait for the stampede of church goers to reap their carnage in the street and then head out to the DIY store, they should change the acronym to ROB because £8 for sandpaper is daylight robbery, it is for one of those little mouse things you know the ones when they came out they tried to sell to us delicate little lady’s (Men if you want to design a power tool for women ask a menopausal women for design tips) a woman would have made a badger that had the power to rip 8 layers off in one go.  

As soon as I get to the checkout man rings I am sure he has a tracker on my credit card! I ignore his call and head home, he then texts to say he has not got the keys and there is sand paper in the shed, he tells me to check the pockets of the clothes I had on yesterday, I do this to appease him knowing he is the culprit only to find the keys in my jeans pocket, by the time he comes home I will think of a way to blame him for this. 

SAT 30th

AUG 

Saturday morning and I have done something that I really should not have done, I stepped onto the dreaded scales, the pain is excruciating,I have done all that cycling and I actually managed to get bigger, how do you work that one out? Perhaps the scales are faulty!

Knowing in my heart of heart the scales are not faulty I slap a ban sticker on the cupboard, barricade the fridge and get back out on the bike with a sheer determined attitude that I am going to loose weight, I don’t know how long this is going to last but I hope it lasts longer that this bike ride. 

In the afternoon to take my mind off eating I pop up to the new man-shed and start sanding a coffee table I have been working on, made out of railway sleepers it is a nice chunky one, but I oiled it before my bike ride and me being me I did not try a test spot somewhere inconspicuous, oh no slapped it all on and then found I did not like the colour.  

I sand it to a matchbox size and finally like the finish, however I now must change the rest of the wooden furniture in the lounge to match the table, do you think I am going about this the wrong way? Answers on a postcard.

FRI 29th

AUG 

Friday and it is still raining only one thing to do, tea biscuits and TV, really all you need are the adverts as they promise to sort your life out, from athletes foot to knowing your bed rating, this apparently is of the utmost importance! 

How I ever managed or even survived sleeping in the wrong rating I will never know, then we have the never ending sofa sale you know the one where they will pay you to have the sofa and come and clean your house give you a car as a free gift and remember you in their will. 

And the ludicrous ‘Have you had an accident, slipped, tripped, fell of a ladder while painting the skirting boards, then let up sue the swine’s’ yeah great stuff you get your money then find your redundant due to the fact the company you work for has gone bust due to compo claims.  

There are some adverts that are better than the tv programs like we now know that the Meerkats are on their holidays and the aliens in Argus are gearing up for the Christmas rush, yes in August but believe me as soon as the kids are back in school the push will start.  

Talking of kids and school if you have been keeping up with my diaries you know I blame them for the bad weather well apparently the next few weeks are going to be sunny and where will the little darlings be……. yep back in school I told you it was their fault. 

THU  28th

AUG

Thursday and once again I have a sore head, then it all comes rushing back my début guitar solo at the open mike night, I have no idea how it sounded as they do not have a speaker behind the victims, and as I was so nervous I had drunk the equivalent of a small swimming pool of brandy before I got up on the mike.

I only vaguely remember what I played and sang  ‘There is a house in New Orleans’ I do however remember one of the guy’s telling me to slow down as I went through the song like a steam train, so probably the wonderful lyrics of the song were lost in my eagerness to leave the stage, perhaps I should have sung ‘There was a house in New Orleans’.

The wood for our new wood burner is delivered today, now my darling husband (not) said I have ordered three bags, I think well that’s a little stingy until it arrives, I have never seen three bags that would hold this amount of wood, the wonderful delivery driver just dumps it out on the pavement (very helpful) as it is blocking the entire pavement and my next door neighbours front door, I have a large green garden bag which I start filling to transport the wood to the shed, my husband the gentleman has a wheelbarrow (fair? I think not), after many trips back and for the wood is finally stored. 

I now have a wood burner and wood all I need now is the bloody thing fitted, still after all that exercise at least I am warm and I probably burnt off a few pounds which means I can have the cake I bought this morning. 

WED 27th

AUG 

Wednesday and the third day of my online course and believe it or not the students are still asking if the lecture is live? 

Why I do not know or even understand why they care, they are also asking all the same question they did last night and the night before and it is really starting to get on my wick, so after pulling faces at the pc (well I don’t want to make the same mistake as Monday) I decided that rather than finish the Q&A session I will head to the local, I need a brandy to get over the idiot trauma.  

It’s pouring with rain so by the time I get to our local I look a little like Iggy Pop on a bad day (wish I had his figure) in a moment of madness (as you can see I have many of these) I put my name down not only to sing but to play (guitar).  

As it nears to my turn I search my bag only to find I do not have my glasses, I need these to see my music sheets, well I need these to see everything, I do manage to lend a pair from someone in the pub but they are way stronger than mine, and as I approach the mike one of the guys who organises the night tells me I am an hour early, I look up at the clock which with these glasses looks like Big Ben, I have a moment of Lourdes as I can finally see and sheepishly head back to my brandy.  

My turn finally arrives I am a little squiffy from all the brandy but two of the guys offer to come up with me, one singing one playing a drum, I will take all the drowning out help I can get, thanks I say. 

I can barely see the music sheets as the glasses are way to strong (nothing to do with the brandy I might add) but I stumble my way through it literally, and as everyone seems as intoxicated as me they don’t seem to notice the mistakes, either that or they feel so sorry for me they do not mention them. 

TUE  26th

AUG

Tuesday and another dull and damp day, you do get to thinking why do I stay in country with a climate like this, well the fact I do not have enough money to get out is one reason, that and I cannot find any trucks with the back doors open. 

I think another reason maybe the lunacy of the people you only have to listen in to a conversation at a bus stop to know how quirky people in the UK are, and here in Wales we have our very own lunacy for instance we will see an empty chair and say ‘is anyone sitting there’ another great one is when asked where someone or something is, we say ‘over by there’ (where did the ‘by’ come from) but our ultimate is ‘who’s coat is that jacket’. 

I did live in Spain for 4 years and people often say you must be mad to come back, but living abroad gives you a better appreciation for your own country as here you have the ability to buy mundane things like doorstops, it does not matter how much Spanish you learn you will never learn the translation for doorstops.  

It is also very strange the food you miss, food that you did not even like before you moved abroad, and every visitor you get (and they are many when you live in the sun) but every visitor turns into a chocolate and teabag smuggler. 

And don’t let anyone convince you it is hot in Spain, in the winter it is freezing and with the buildings made to keep the warmth out you just cannot get warm, I spent the first few months in bed with 3 quilts a bobble hat and gloves, I know what your thinking sexy or what, but this was not the image I had before I left the UK it was more like Bay Watch ok I would need surgery for that but you get the idea. 

If you need any more Spanish survival tips, forget Bear Grylls drop me a stamped addressed envelope.   

MON 25th

AUG 

I am in panic mode! dinner is made and force fed to my husband by 4:30, I have enrolled in a online marketing diploma I really do not know what to expect, so at 6pm I pop upstairs and put on a bit of slap and some decent clothes, well you never know when they connect they maybe able to see me (poor sods). 

I get my pen and paper the essential cup of coffee and stick two cushions under my bum, you would think with the padding I have on it that I would not need cushions, but with my dinning chairs I would need the posterior of a hippo for it not to hurt. 

7pm and we have lift off, the tutor has quite a strange accent a cross between American, Irish, and a hint of Australian so a little off putting and the sound quality is not great but at least we cannot see each other, well I cant see them so I am assuming they cant see me.

We are all able to type in questions as the tutor is speaking and for some reason rather than learning marketing most of the other students are more concerned with making sure it is live? So they constantly ask the tutor to prove it’s live, they then continue to ask the same questions over and over again all of which the tutor explained during the lecture, I start screaming at my computer, 'are these people thick', until I realise I have my microphone on, can you get kicked off an online course? Answers on a postcard. 

SAT & SUN 23rd / 24th

AUG 

Bank holiday weekend and I am all dressed up with nowhere to go, ok I am not dressed up, in fact I am not dressed and do not intend to get dressed especially in this cold damp weather. Is it me or has the weather taken a turn for the worst since the kids broke up from school?

So we know who to blame, I do not do kids, I have one of my own but he is now grown up and left the nest, thank god. 

You do become a bit of a pariah if you say you do not like kids, so I always go for the double whammy of saying I don’t do kids or animals this normally sets people off on a long tangent about how I am not fit for humanity and the like, but I am sorry anything that is unable to use a toilet unaided is not for me, I tried the kid thing and one was most certainly enough, they say you forget the pain of childbirth HELLO take it from me you do not, and anyone that does is a masochist.  

The saying I would not be without him is true, well at least until he wants something, this normally coincides with when he visits (strange phenomenon). 

They never truly leave and seem to be attached to an invisible bungee rope, or did the nurse actually cut that umbilical chord? Still we need them for when we are unable to visit the toilet unaided, revenge is sweet. 

FRI 22nd

AUG 

The new log burner has arrived a huge dragon furnace, or will be when they come to fit the flue, but it is in situ so I cut out and colour some flames to stick inside for the time being, so that I can get the real ambience, it feels warmer already. 

We have also almost finish the garden there is only the grouting to do which my wonderful husband (NOT) has left for me, I mixed up one batch of cement which was a similar consistency to my gravy including lumps, this I managed to get everywhere except in the cracks, so before my jeans set and I can't bend my legs I move onto plan 2, put it down dry, sweep it in and using a watering can wet it down, this seems a better finish however after sweeping it into the cracks it mushrooms up like the hiroshima bomb. 

I am now covered head to foot in cement mix and look a little like Casper the friendly ghost, or maybe more like the monster from the lagoon, I also have it stuck in every available orifice I am now to afraid to even swallow my saliva through fear it will set in my throat, my husband has his fingers crossed as he hands me a glass of water, he will not be smiling when he has a trowel surgically removed, anyone know any good surgeons? Answers on a postcard.    

THU 21st

AUG 

What a come down from yesterday, as today I have spent shovelling cement and pushing a wheelbarrow up and down the garden dodging the most humongous spiders and getting rained on, oh what a glamorous life I lead.  

My back is in half (where did this saying come from it makes no sense) and I now have hands like a construction worker, but we are nearly there and I may even get a BBQ in before the winter sets in, yes I know I have two hopes and one of them is dead.  

While working I pop on the radio, have you listened to some of the stuff on day time radio why do people feel the need to air all their laundry in public? says she who is sharing this with you, but you are respectable and can keep your mouth shut (can’t you?) some of this is hair curling and way to much for my sensitive disposition so I flick over the channel and to my husbands delight ACDC are on singing Highway to Hell, in there 70’s now they must be in the fast lane, my husband is not so much headbanging along to the music as more nodding Oops my mistake he has actually nodded off, how can you actually sleep to this racket and while your laying crazy paving (I know you are now jealous of my crazy paving).

I did manage one nice thing (no not that) I found out our new log burner arrives tomorrow, they have said due to the weight (I think we are talking tones) they can only drop it off curb side, so how the hell are we going to get it from there inside, or do we just move the sofa and tv into the street (it worked in Shameless)any ideas? Answers on a postcard. 

WED 20th

AUG 

Wednesday and once again I find myself on the bike, I am beginning to start to enjoy this god forbid, but it does blow the cobwebs away.  

I return looking like something that has gone through the digestive system of a dung beetle, before I shower and change I check my emails and see how many potential employers have lost out by refusing me, and after opening the 1st one that says thanks but no thanks I expect the same from the next, only to find I have an interview whoopee! until I realise I have only attended one interview in the last 15 years and did not get that job so it obviously did not go well, so automatically this starts my stomach churning the nerves are shot, and I have another two weeks to get through before the interview.  

The next email has me nearly fall off my chair it is a invite to a premier of a film, now ‘little old me’ (only two of those words are truly applicable) but little old me has never been invited to a cinema never mind a premier, so on top of the interview nerves I am now a gibbering wreck. 

If only both these invitees could see the state of me right now, they would not ask me to clean their toilets never mind anything else, but this ugly duckling can do swan, it may take some pain (ok a lot) and a cement mixer of makeup before I do red carpet and OMG what am I going to wear? Answers on a postcard for both events. 

TUE 19th

AUG 

I have found that I seem to do my best thinking while out on the bike, and today I got to thinking do you ever really loose weight cycling? 

I especially think this as the last two cyclists to pass me are extremely portly grey haired old men one of which decided to arrange his privates as he passed by, nearly throwing him into the bushes, I think I managed to stifle the laugh.  

Now I know you get as I like to call them extreme cyclists who are all built like a whippets back leg, better described by someone who’s name I have forgotten sperm in lycra, think Tour De France, but have these guy's actually got this figure due to cycling or is it because they are to busy shaving there legs rather than eat? 

As I ponder this a 5yr old with stabilisers whizzes past me followed by her super slim mother, that women did not have her child artificially inseminated but she must have had her artificially removed at around 20 weeks to still have a figure like that (bitch). 

I push myself like never before and give a rye smile as I pass them (eat my dust), I then find a bush to hide in to catch my breath before I faint from exertion. So can anyone tell me will I ever loose weight cycling? Answers on a post card. 

MON 18th

AUG 

Monday morning and after several days of debauchery of the food kind, sadly any other kind is a distant memory, I take to the bike again, I peddle my little heart out only to find out when I get home that I have not lost a pound, so I eat a packet of Jaffa cakes to ease the pain. 

I have to pop out to the shops today as my local supermarket only stocks bizarre stuff like telescopic poles (see below). 

I need three items, biodegradable bin liners (wish I came up with this money spinner), milk and those things women of a certain age need, think laughing girls you get the gist. 

1st supermarket every little helps or not as the case maybe as they only have the milk, well I tell a lie they do have some biodegradable bags (wish I came up with this money spinner),  but there is no way on earth I am paying £3 for 25 bags, especially as right next to these they have a roll of 60 bin bags for £1 they are having a laugh. 

2nd supermarket has 40 biodegradable bin bags (wish I came up with this money spinner), for £1.45 bargain I will have those, but no lady things, 3rd supermarket has lady’s things and strawberries on offer I am having those especially as I have some cream in the fridge.  

Well after nearly 2 hours and £10 in fuel this is not including yesterdays trip to the shops, I need to rethink my shopping regime, what do you think? Answers on a postcard   

SUN 17th

AUG 

Sunday ahhhhhh the bells (you will have to have read earlier diaries to get that one) I will not leave the house until the living dead Oops sorry, church dwellers are safely locked in the church as moving my car as they are approaching could lead to imminent death (mine). 

Once they have abandoned their cars in our street I manoeuvre around them to pop out for some shopping. 

I visit some well known stores to see what I cannot afford, and then head for the supermarket, I shop at the one that is taking all the big stores on and winning you know the one where they have none of the items you need. 

And today it seems I have been transported abroad because the supermarket is rammed, I do not hear one single English word spoken, I hear Spanish, Dutch, Hindu and Urdu and a few others I am unsure of, I do not even hear Chav like init.  

Now if you have ever traveled abroad you know that every other nation does not get the queuing scenario we have in Britain so as I approach the checkout it is like a scene from battle of the Somme, but having an item in my trolley that you would not get in any other store in the entire world, a telescopic window cleaning extension pole, I manage to joust my way through the checkout and am back in the car before anyone realises, I shake off the remains of a French stick and Dutch man from the pole and head home, with a car full of food I have no idea how to cook and several useless items that seemed like a good idea at the time. 

SAT 16th

AUG 

Busy day in the garden today, the new shed is now up, well I say shed it is more like a holiday home for dogs best friend, but there is grouting and crazy paving to be laid and a general tidy up. 

By the time the garden is ready winter will be here and I will only be able to long for it through the window.

I also have mount Kilimanjaro in ironing to tackle you would think by now that the people that be would have come up with material that does not need ironing, where are all these Spock suits they told us years ago we would all be wearing in the 21 century, there again these were probably banned by government when obesity became an issue, there is only so much fat and cellulite a sausage skin can hold. 

Maybe I could order some of those paper suits, no good for the rain but I am sure they would work as onesies for around the house, and they could double up as loo roll, what do you think? Answers on a postcard.  

FRI 15th

AUG 

Friday we are here already, another week has passed and the weatherman has just said winds from the arctic next week, well it is August, I cannot put this log burner thing off any longer. 

I now know that if you go over 5 kilowatts you have to have a vent in the wall (this has to be a man thing, as a woman would seal every possible gap to keep all the heat for herself), our house is over 300 years old and the walls were made to keep out a bouncing bomb, never mind a vent, so it looks like a 5 kilowatt fire it is, now I just need to decide which 5 kilowatt fire I want. 

I use woman’s best known way of picking the right one, I rip apart the brochures and lay all the pictures out on the table and close my eyes and stick my finger…………… yes right in my hot tea, after running it (my finger) under the cold tap for 10 minutes, I remover the tea from the table and try again, I don’t like the 1st selection so I throw that picture in the bin and keep trying until I select one I like. 

I now have all the relevant information to get the fire ordered only to find the shop is now closed, I really hope I do not change my mind over night as I will be spending this winter in combat thermals, anyone know where I can get some as a back up plan? Answers on a postcard. 

THU 14th

AUG 

When will I ever learn? another hangover from our local watering hole, I must say though the quality of musicians was wonderful last night, I stayed a little longer than planned to have a jamming session with the guys. 

I now have multiple songs I can play badly, and soon I will be able to give a concert.  

I decided not to go out on the bike this morning the way my head is feeling I do not think I would make it back in one piece, and could not face a repeat performance of yesterday. 

I spend the rest of the day deciding what style and size log burner to have, why do shops give choices they know us girls (ok girl is stretching it a bit) but they know we can’t make decisions, if we could we would not have wardrobes full of clothes we don’t wear, they go on about kilowatts and dampers and it is to much for my poor head, so I put this off for another day and go back to bed. Do you know about these things, answers on a postcard. 

WED 13th

AUG 

Wednesday did not start well! in fact the whole day turned out to be sh*t in the literal sense of the word no I did not have diarrhea that may at least have got a little weight off. 

It all started when I brushed my teeth, an innocent enough task one taken everyday, until today when my electric toothbrush decided to leap out of my hand, “not to bad” I hear you cry, well no not until it landed in the toilet bowl, and still on high speed it went around the bowl like a mini speed boat and even submarined under the u bend at one point, by the time I caught it the toilet was sparkling.

Can it get worse, YES, I decided to take the bike out again and took my usual route along our cycle path, well today it seems every dog within a 100 mile radius has been walked along this path and their business has been left behind, I do a good job of slaloming it, but soon manage to hit the biggest poo I have ever seen (I never want to meet the dog this came out of, it must be the size of an elephant) well the mess goes all over me the bike even my water bottle (ok brandy bottle). 

After returning home I start the arduous task of cleaning everything off after several heaving bouts (sadly no sick, always thinking of the extra weight loss), showering off my new scent eau de crap I spend the rest of the day researching how to sort out bad dog owners, and reviews on electric toothbrush grips. Do you know any? answers on a postcard.

TUE 12th

AUG

 

Tuesday morning and all is well except for the fact my up and coming Halle Berry body has gone to pot (literally) since breaking my toe, well I suppose I might just pass as her if I poke everyone in the eye and dim the lights. 

With this in mind I dust off the bike and set off, I am sure feeling the fact that I have not done this for a bit, I am out of breath before I even reach my front gate.  

I spend the rest of the day updating and adding to this website particularly a new page ‘Comedy Hall of Fame’ please check it out if you have time, well somehow after doing this all the ad’s on the site stopped working and I could not for the life of me work out why.  

After hours of research I think I found the issue and have started work on placing more relevant ad’s on the site, but it led me to the fact that even with all this technology nothing is easy, if only they could build and app that would keep fit for you and one that would transform all those pesky calories into muscle at least then half of my life would be a little easier, are you aware of any? answers on a postcard.    

MON 11th

AUG 

Monday morning and I am half way through my week this is my hump day, and after spending all day on Google analytic's, I well and truly have the hump!

  

After three attempts I manage to get from a paltry 55% up to 75% in the test but I still have no idea how to 'Change the primary dimension in the Channel report to "Medium" and use the "Summary" metric group or one of the "Goal Set" metric groups' I have read and reread all the material that comes with the course and it not there, so this will go into the huge box in my brain of useless content that I will never understand, it will sit next to quantum physics and the rubik's cube. 

By the way I never even tried to look at quantum physics I have just been waiting for a scenario where I could use the word to sound cleaver, so does this mean I can take it out of that box in my brain? the box is getting very heavy and taking up space that I could otherwise be using to store things that I actually understand like what chocolate goes best with red wine. Answers on a postcard.  

SUN 10th

AUG 

Can someone please tell me where the sunshine has gone? And it’s cold! Sod throw another shrimp on the barbie it’s more like throw another log on the fire! 

Talking of which do you remember me saying about the man coming to give prices on a log burner, well we have now had three quotes and the cost of these things means I am about to literally see my money go up in smoke, but it’s August and I am freezing, can you imagine what I will be like when we get to December, so I think the log burner has to go on the priority list just below chocolate and brandy. 

There again I am not a good person to rate the temperature by, as I am the only person who can go to Mexico and ask for more blankets, I think that it maybe down to the alcohol content in my blood stream, saying that though don’t they have St Bernard dogs with 1st aid Brandy around their necks for stranded travelers, that is a place I must visit, can anyone tell me where the largest congregation of these dogs are? Answers on a post card 

SAT 9th

AUG 

Saturday and this is the start of the week for me so just as your starting to chill out, spare a thought as this is my Monday morning and I truly believe Monday or in my case Saturday should be renamed to Crapaday. 

I am teaching myself Google Analytic's I will rephrase that I am failing to teach myself Google Analytic's, it started off ok in the early stages where you had to put your name and email address in to register (ok I had that information written down, who’s checking), now however as I get deeper into the course I find I need the education level of a mathematical genius, (entry level my arse). 

I watch the same video 6 times and am still none the wiser as to how I do this 'Change the primary dimension in the Channel report to "Medium" and use the "Summary" metric group or one of the "Goal Set" metric groups', also after each module you have a little test, it is multi choice so not so bad especially as I am on the last one of the choices and my ego can’t take another ‘Wrong’. 

There is a final exam so I need to find a way to train my brain to at least retain some of the information I put in it, I think I would be a genius if I could remember the stuff I learnt, my memory is worst than a goldfish as at least they can remember they have a bridge, bridge what bridge.  

I will soldier on especially as I have a packet of chocolate digestives at my side purely to keep my strength up, does anyone know if they are like fish and good for the brain, or would I be better off eating the goldfish? Answers on a postcard.    

FRI 8th

AUG 

Having sworn off the demon drink for at least another 6 days I wake relatively fresh, as people of a certain age know that is all you can hope for, even waking up is a bonus well except for yesterday morning.  

I have to pick my glasses up today so my nonloved and I head to Newport, he also wants to look for a brown shirt the only bloody colour that is not in the shops plus the fact even if he found one, he would buy it, rip the labels off, and then decided he doesn’t like it, so I already know before I leave the house how the day will plan out, we will go to the doorway of every shop, as my husband is gifted he can see the entire range from the doorway where he will announce nothing in here for me, we will do this at every doorway, grab a Greggs and return home.  

I did try and steer him towards the travel shop window where his response was I can’t go away I don’t have a brown shirt? now I was not aware that this is requirement of customs like the little plastic bag thing, talking of which I would love to pop a sample in there as they would be bound to do a test with their little swab thing I could then say do I have Cystitis. 

Does anyone know if I can use felt pens on shirts? and if I colour over blue what colour pen I would have to use to achieve brown? Answers on a post card. 

THU 7th

AUG 

Ouch my head hurts, leaving the local at 2pm was not the best idea I have had, although I did manage to get the beast out in public (it’s not the mind it comes out of) no I mean my new second hand guitar. 

I stayed and had a little jamming session with the guy’s and apart from one or two cleaver arses who can do chords that have not even been invented, I think I kept up. 

I also managed to keep up with the drinking which I am paying for, it feels as if every Harry Potter character is in my head playing quidditch with my one remaining brain cell.  

I do however have to make myself at least human looking as I have a man coming today (again it is not the mind it comes out of) no he is coming to give me a quote on having a log burner fitted, (aren’t I the posh one) I resemble something like a cross between KISS (look them up kids) and the evil dead so this may take some work but with only 20 minutes until he’s due, he will get what he’s given. 

WED 6th

AUG 

It our anniversary today, but just like every other we start the day grunting at each other, now in some relationships this happens with passion, no not ours after trying to work out how long we have been together and giving up as it would be easier to remember all of Henry viii wives! 

Talking of which that is what my husband requested as an anniversary present a new wife, divorce or a way in which to dispose of my body without getting caught, what he got was socks which was more that I received, however after last years ironing board I was a little relieved not to get a present.  

Tonight we do plan on going out for a meal and then down to the local den of iniquity to partake in a little light refreshment, I will keep a look out for attacking drains and surround my broken toe with cotton wool so as not to have a repeat performance of last week. 

TUE 5th

AUG 

Tuesday was spent mostly filling in application forms, NASSA politely declined my request to either man a space station or make the tea and Alan Sugar has still not got back How Rude! 

After filling in what seems like 100 application forms and apart from the odd your having a laugh reply nothing, I am starting to feel a little unloved at what point do you get to old to be employed? Now I know that they have their choice of applicants but what is the perfect candidate, I here that a 20 year old with no experience is not suitable and a 45 year old is to long in the tooth to employ, so I am surmising around the 30 mark would be ideal, however these are all off having families and all the rigmarole that comes with that. 

Surely us more mature (no not old) have life and work experience plus there is no way on earth that I am having another baby, also since society has put us on the scrap heap we are more grateful and therefore inclined to work harder to keep our jobs. 

There seems to be only one profession left but I have neither the desire or the inclination any longer, plus my husband said I would not earn my bus fair home that is if any busses actually ran in Wales.     

MON 4th

AUG 

Well if you have been reading regular you know I have recently had new glasses, (if you have not been reading regular then WHY NOT answers on a postcard). 

The glasses have proved to be a bit of a problem as every time I move my head when wearing them I feel nauseous.  

Before you ask I have not been at the brandy, I have decided to return them because believe it or not I had them on trial for 21 days, so I best get them sorted before the time runs out but this 21 day trial got me thinking while I am in Newport I think I will pop into the travel agent and ask if they do a 21 day trial of Mexico, it worked for Judith Chalmers. 

SUN 3rd

AUG 

The beginning of August and would you credit it the weather has turned for the worst, I have a half built shed that will probably now end up being used as an ark. 

I had such high hopes for today, and just when It can't get any worse the bells start, you know what they say if you can't beat them join them, no I do not intend going to church but I have decided to play along with my new guitar, I may even get a bigger amp and play during their service and see how they like being disturbed. 

SAT 2nd

AUG 

Saturday morning I decide to take a little stroll over to Mum and Dad’s to treat them to a blast of my new guitar, I carefully put on my trainers which with the guitar strapped to my back make me look like a Status Quo throw back, but with my toe the way it is they are the only shoes I can get on (all together now ahhhh). 

Someone must have told Mum and Dad I was on my way as they are out (this village does not need smoke signals they could use these people in military operations the curtain twitchers do not miss a trick). 

I hobble back home thinking about Mum and Dad, they have a better social life than my son who’s 25 never mind me who apart from a Wednesday has no life.  Mum and Dad are out most days and nights of the week, my dad thinks anyone who leaves the pub before 11 is a whimp and when abroad quite happily goes off to any nightclub in the vicinity, mums a little more subdued she probably only goes out 5 nights a week and can drink any man I know under the table.  

In their 70’s and they are hard core party animals, I only wish I had half their stamina. 

FRI 1st

AUG 

Pinch punch 1st of the Month August already where has the time gone (oh god I am beginning to sound like my mother) someone hit be around the head with a wet lettuce. 

My toe is still throbbing, however the pain is numbed by a almost new Crafter guitar in tortoise shell green she is a dreamboat, she even has the ability to make me sound good.  

This is a gift given to me by my husband he is the best husband in the whole wide world (for 5 minuets) until he manages to drop a railway sleeper on my already black toe the air turns as blue as my toe, and we go from deeply in love to a row in a matter of seconds, I must remember to stock up on arsenic.  

I hobble back in doors leaving him to build his own bloody shed, I pick up the new guitar and look on the internet for the chords to Tammy Wynette - D-I-V-O-R-C-E

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