The Chuckle Diaries bring's you life behind the website, sometimes funny, sometimes sad always real.
Friday and I have the most amazing news first thing, I have managed to land myself a job in the hospital, after full time training it is a part time post so I will also be able to pursue my radio presenting in the same hospital, a double whammy result.
We are also going to a AC/DC tribute band tonight as part of man’s birthday celebrations, there are a group of us going and I spend the afternoon making myself look presentable, this is soon lost when we entre the hall where the band is set to play only to discover it is fancy dress, I swear if someone enters me in the fancy-dress competition I will lamp them.
We have everything from Ebola to Freddy Krueger who in there right mind thinks an Ebola costume is a good idea, well everyone it seems as he/she (you cannot tell) wins the fancy-dress, there is a make shift bar which is very reasonably priced and after several cans of larger and some vodka jelly shots I am in the swing of it, there are several warm up bands which are a bit like the rocky horror show but great entertainment, and then the AC/DC tribute who are called Hells Bells and they are brilliant I am not a massive fan of heavy metal but having been married to man for 27 years I do know a lot of the music and these guys are very like the real thing, and even man cracks a smile at one point praise indeed, we bump into a lot of friend and have a great night, however instead of going straight home which we really should have we call into our local on the way home, one lost cardi, one lost poppy and two brandy’s later and it has totally finished me off, It dawns on me that we are off out again tomorrow for man’s birthday meal followed by another band, I realise I am getting told old for this.
Thursday and normal service is resumed except for the fact that man is off work for a couple of weeks so I have his delightful presence around the house, what joy.
We have to pop out for some grocery shopping and manage to do this and the journey in relative harmony, the afternoon however spent tiding up the garden is not so harmonious as man seems to be on a tangent to get everything done in one day, man’s idea of work is he makes a mess and leaves me to clean it up, so after having hovered the lounge he then decides to walk sawdust through it, I ask him to dig me a large hole in the garden and when he asks what size I produce a tape measure and start measuring him up.
Wednesday and it is time to head back home after two nights in Manchester, I also managed to get a few hours sleep last night so man is still breathing, but we do have another three hour drive so things may change on the breathing score.
We head down for breakfast and it seems our Paul O’Grady waiter has recovered from the fact he had people in the restaurant last night, he does seem to spend quite some time wiggling his bottom around out table, and I know it is not for my benefit as my gaydar is very good, not that you need a gaydar for this one, I feel like telling him he has two hopes and one of them is dead if he thinks man would realise he was making a play for him, he would have to strip naked and have it printed on his arse cheeks and even then I do not think man would notice him over a full cooked English.
We manage to find the car-park and before you can shout traffic jam we are stuck in one, still we have all the time in the world and soon find the miles behind us, we discuss the fact that overall we have had a nice time and both agree we like Manchester, but due to location we are going to give Bristol a try next time so the anti snoring ring seems to be a partial success.
Tuesday and we wake up in Manchester, man’s anti snoring ring must have worked because I have managed to sleep, all be it only until 7:15am but still I have managed to have a few hours which is more than I have ever had sleeping in the same room as man, you see we have separate bedrooms at home, well I have a bedroom he has a kennel, this keeps him from meeting with a timely death.
Our hotel room is so warm we decide to head straight down for breakfast, which is wonderful, as is any meal you do not have to cook yourself, plus we do not have a full English every day in fact we never have a full English unless we are away, fully fuelled for the day we head out to explore Manchester, our friend Jaimie gave us some pointers last night on places to go and see, most of which I have forgot, well I did have a fair few drinks and age is against me.
It is about 9am and it seems Manchester is having a lie in as nothing is open, we wander around aimlessly for a couple of hours and then head back to the hotel as there is a things to do in the city book in the room, we have a quick cuppa while we read through the book and decide on the cathedral and library, we manage to find the cathedral which is beautiful, but after 5 hours on my feet I give in on the library we stop at a bar near the hotel and I start with a coffee and soon move onto a couple of bottles of flavoured cider well it is our holiday.
Back at the room we decide to have a snooze, I tell man to put his snoring ring on and just as I nod off he starts and like a train he does not stop, I give in and am routing for the receipt for the ring when he wakes, we are both so tired after all the walking and snoring we decide to eat at the hotel, it seems we have a bald Spanish Paul O'Grady for a waiter who is mopping his brow in such a dramatic way as he explains how extremely busy the restaurant has been and how totally drained he is, I feel like shoving my feet in his hands and showing him what exhausted is, but I just nod politely and get more gateaux from the buffet table, I mean help yourself gateaux, why oh why did we not eat here last night.
Monday and as a surprise for man’s 50th I am taking him to Manchester, before we even leave the petrol station I want to strangle him as when I announce where we are going his reply is “all the way up there”.
We set off for our 3 hour drive and manage not to kill each other on route, we reach the car-park and then have to find the hotel, I have printed off directions but not having an inbuilt compass how the hell do I know if I am heading southwest?
We eventually find the hotel and I must say I am impressed it is a very impressive entrance and the room is tastefully done although it seems very warm, I have packed a bottle of Champaign ok sparkling wine but there was a £20 difference, and also some chocolates, I might let man have the coffee flavoured one if he’s lucky, we have this while watching a place in the country (we know how to party) we then have a little snooze.
I have arranged to meet our friends this evening who live in Manchester they are going to join us for a meal, sadly only Jaimie is able to make it as his partner is working, but we head over to China town, the meal is not brilliant but it has filled a gap and will soak up some of the forthcoming alcohol, we then head to the some of the bars, Jaimie fills us in on all the gossip and has us in stitches as he drags us around all the gay bars in Manchester, at one point he tells me he has bought me a present and produces a plastic willy no not one with batteries, but a comic floppy one (just like man’s will be the amount of drink he is pouring down his neck).
We head back to the hotel to see if man’s ring works (it’s not the mind it comes out of), for his birthday his mother has bought him an anti snoring ring, if it does not work he may not make 51.
Sunday as soon as the charge of the church brigade are safely inside the church I head out to get some items ready for man’s surprise, a bottle of bubbly, balloons, banners and chocolates.
As funds are low due to the lack of work the bubbly turns into sparkling wine but Champaign is overrated anyway, the chocolates are on offer (result) and I do manage to contain myself from opening them, I head back home and dodge the carnage left in the street from the church goers and start to blow up the balloons, this gives me a head rush so I have my emergency bar of chocolate to give me some energy for the rest of the balloons purely medicinal of course, I finally get them blown up and I am panting and puffing and red as a beetroot if man comes home now he will defiantly think I am having an affair.
Now all I need to do is find a hiding place for the balloons, as we sleep in separate rooms (man snores) we both have ensuite's so I put them in my bath, I pack a bag ready for tomorrows surprise and put the plonk and chocolates in the bag, this means they will be under my bed all night, if I have a breakdown in the night they will come in handy.
Saturday and man is back in work, my sister and her husband pop down with man’s present for his birthday Monday, we chat and put the world to rights and I show them the work we have done out the garden and the new log burner this takes all of half an hour and before I know it I am all alone with only my maths homework to keep me company.
I attempt my maths homework and attempt maybe to strong a word as I have not got a clue, as it is half term our teacher has given us some exam questions to work on, thank god he has put the answers on the back, but even with the answers I am stumped on some of the questions, I do manage to get some of it done, and mark the ones that would have Stephen Hawking scratching his head, these I will ask the teacher about when I go back, my stomach starts screaming at me so I pop the dinner on, I must say it does not suit me.
After dinner man and I take a stroll up to the local, he starts chatting to the barman about calling up Sunday evening, little does he know that is not on the cards as I have a surprise planned for Monday and I want a clear head for it.
Friday morning and all is well, if you can call wind, rain, a mountain of ironing, and the house to clean well, they say a woman’s work is never done and if I do not shift my arse they will be right.
I am arranging a surprise for man as it is his birthday next week it is the big 50 so I thought I best do a little better than a card and socks, I can’t say to much but I will fill you in next week, I spend most of today trying to sort out the surprise and now looking forward to it, I have had to be quite strict with man as he mentioned he might work his birthday, I have told him if he values his life he will not do that.
My son is currently in NY he has gone over for a wedding and it is also his fiancé birthday he keeps putting up pictures of Grand Central, Queensboro bridge The East river ferry among others, I am so jealous I am spitting nails and although I want them to have the most amazing time I do not want to have to sit in the wind and rain having a picture moment by moment update making me feel worst, do you think it is bad to un-friend your children on FB? I think my son would be over the moon if I un-friend him, for his fiancés birthday prior to leaving the UK he booked a table at the restaurant under the building where they film friends and then cocktails in one of the swanky bars overlooking times square, he is such a romantic unlike man who I would be lucky to get chips in the paper on a park bench in the rain, and who for our anniversary bought me an ironing board and then the following Christmas an iron, before you ask yes he does still have the imprint of both on the back of his head, talking of ironing boards I best get mine up and crack on.
Thursday man is home and we decide to go to Barry Island for the day if you have seen the TV show Gavin and Stacey you will know this is where half of it is set, it’s a blast from the past for my husband and I as this is where we were taken on trips when we were young.
It has changed a little as have most places, the shows have gone which seems really sad, it’s a little cold but at least the rain has stopped, we walk along the front and the sea air always makes me hungry, in fact I am just always hungry full stop, we find a little café and order coffee, chips and gravy I am really reliving my youth.
Shall we say the café needed at least one of the five employees who were stood around talking to take initiative and at least wipe the dirty tables, the more I look around the more I fear a dose of food poisoning, but we manage not to touch anything and the food arrives in disposable containers so I think fine we will take the food to the nearest bench and sit in the wind and eat, however the coffee comes in mugs so that idea is out.
I know you are all screaming you should either leave or ask for the table to be cleaned but being British and hungry this is not in our nature, we would rather moan about it later, and here it is, the chips and gravy were very good and I am so glad we went with a small potion as there is at least 3 pound of potatoes in each, stuffed as full as an egg I nag man to take me over to the arcades, he eventually gives in when I say I will hold my breath and go purple if he does not.
I like the 2p slider things, I do not know what they are called but they are like the TV show Tipping point, man gives me a £1 worth of 2p and off I go like a 4yr old, it takes me about half an hour to finally get all the 2p’s in the machine without any more dropping, even the girl behind the kiosk is smiling at me she probably thinks I am out on day release, money spent and belly full I think the day has been a success, except for man refusing to go onto the beach and make a sandcastle in the middle of October and us getting lost on the way home.
Although it is Wednesday I thought I would share last nights maths lesson with you, only because it nearly ended in two deaths.
If you have been following my diary you will know what a nightmare settling into this maths course has been (if you have not been following my diary why not?) anyway for the 5th time we had to move classrooms, we are now in what they call a demountable, a skip with a roof, luckily this time the teacher came and got us from the comfortable warm room we have used for the last two lessons, he lead us through the wind and rain to the furthest car-park to our skip, I am starting to get a complex!
Anyway at least it was warm inside, in fact the heat was that intense it could double as a tanning booth (I see a sideline opportunity) if you have ever been in a demountable you will know that the acoustics are very bad to the point that you really have to concentrate on what is being said, this is where the deaths come in!
I was sat in the last but one row and as you know my eyes and hearing have all but gone with age, so I struggled a little, there were two young lads sat behind me and for the life of me I am unable to fathom out why they have taken the class because they obviously know everything as they talk and tap and chew and burp their way through the lesson.
I felt my blood pressure rising to the point of explosion and turned and said “lads can you keep it down please” notice the please yes it did come out with a bit of a growl but it could have come out a lot worse, this seemed to be translated to the lads as please intensify the tapping and talking as I am really enjoying it, I sat on my hands for the rest of the lesson, getting redder and angrier, the teacher did seem to notice something was amiss, but he must have seen something in my expression that warned him not to approach even with care, as he avoided the back of the room as if his life depended on it, which it possibly did.
However all is not lost as I did manage to pick up a strand of hair off the lads table and today I am researching voodoo dolls.
Tuesday the day of my interview, I have man call me at 8am, it’s not until 11 but I want to give myself plenty of time to get ready and get to Cardiff, I am soon on my way.
Why is it whenever you have an appointment you get stuck behind Mr Bean, I am not kidding this man would drive the patients of mother Teresa herself, he has no clue as to where his indicators or throttle are and oblivious to what is happening here in the real world, he finally turns off and I mop the sweat from my brow, there goes my makeup.
I get to the interview with around ten minutes to spare so have a little mooch around, at five to eleven I approach the desk and state my name and why I am there, the man on reception say’s “Oh good luck with that job, it’s a nightmare” this does not exactly settle my already frayed nerves, I am taken shaking and dribbling through to the office and they all seem lovely, yes the job does seem a little intense but nothing like the dread that was instilled by reception, I think it went well and I did not make a total arse of myself but only time will tell, they promised to let me know around the 1st week of November, mind you they did not say which year.
I then head over to man’s workplace, I meet some of the guy’s and girls he works with who all seem great and make me welcome with tea and chat, then man takes me over to town for lunch (this is twice in as many week’s he must have done something) he then heads back to work while I have a little look around the shops, 4 blisters later and all I have to show for them is a card for my neighbour and a pair of tights I mean that is not worth one blister I would at least expect a blouse for 4 blisters, I literally hobble back to the car and then rush off to college, just what I need on top of blisters, Maths!
Monday and I need to go shopping it is a little like mother Hubbard’s after a burglary in my fridge, I have half a green pepper, two limp spring onions 2 yogurts one of which is past it sell by date by 2 days, so still ok for another week, half a bottle of orange juice that by the date could possibly be used as paint stripper, and some mould at the back which I can only assume in it’s previous life was cheese.
I make a list and shove it in my bag, never to see the light of day until I am out one evening looking for my lippy empty the entire contents of my bag into the sink find this note get excited open it to see what it says and realise how very sad my life is that I got so worked up over a shopping list.
Off I go shopping, I bump into a friend who works in the store and we chops until we see another member of staff giving the evils we both mutter bitch and part ways, by this time I have forgotten what I want (can’t be arsed to rummage through my bag for the list) and as I am hungry start shoving any old rubbish in the trolley, shopping done I head home, I cook a meal of pork chops with mushrooms, garlic and mixed peppers (I add that limp one out of the fridge no one will know), and sweet potato fry’s got this of the internet, Cheryl’s special, I eat mine before man comes home and I must thank Cheryl wherever you are, as it is delicious even with the limp pepper, which thinking about it might be on man’s plate.
Man comes home and takes one look at his dinner and has an expression that I am serving up Hannibal Lectors off cuts, he holds up one of the sweet potato fry’s and say’s “what’s this” after I explain Cheryl’s meal in the style of Jamie Oliver (not naked I like my neighbours) he eats his dinner and finishes the lot including the limp pepper I notice being shoved in half way through, I think tomorrow I will try Hannibal’s surprise with mushrooms, onions and man’s throat.
Sunday and I plan on a day of rest and guitar, as I am learning some new songs I spend most of the day trying to improve my paying of them, this does not seem to work but does seem to get the neighbour banging along to the tune, aw bless I think he is enjoying it.
I pop around to see my other neighbour and she explains that she and her husband have just been to IKEA, and have had a little dispute in the car-park over getting a mattress and very large standard lamp into their hatchback, her husband is still sporting the exact imprint of the lamp as we chat, while I have flashbacks of Lee Evens and his stand up on this very subject.
She then explains that this is not the first dispute of the day as they had been to look at sofas and she said that her husband was not in the least bit interested when it came to choosing one, and all he cared about was the fact he was hungry, I am surprised to hear this, not that he is useless at this sort of thing but that she expected anything different.
I explain to her that 1: men are about as much use as a chocolate ashtray when it comes to choosing sofas or any other soft furnishings and 2: if they are hungry they are no use or ornament until fed on any other subject in the entire world, they are still new to this marriage thing, but she will realise in time if she wants a sofa she will have to be brave and go it alone, man will only come into the task when the payment is required.
Saturday and it’s all about the perimeters, I have a mountain of maths homework on perimeters and areas, I also have some work to do on the website so I best get to it.
At around 1pm I get a little cold and light the fire and yes it is still working but the fitters do have to come out again to extend the flue (it’s not the mind it comes out of) they also have to put a vent in, great all that heat generated by the new fire will now go straight out the vent, man is arranging for them to call Wednesday, I just know the neighbours are going to start to talk as they are here that often and always when man is at work.
I take a break from the maths and start to learn some new songs on the guitar I am going through a Rod Stewart period I never really liked Rod when I was growing up, but it must be an age thing as now I can’t get enough of him his music that is, as he has a face like a bull bog chewing a wasp.
Yesterday I got the news that the test I did for the job application was not successful and they will not be taking me any further, one two three Aww, however I do have an interview arranged for Tuesday, so please keep everything crossed for me and send all your positive vibes, I hope I get it as it is man’s birthday the week after next and he is the big 50 so I would like to do something special, I was thinking a roman burial.
Talking of man he comes home from work to his slippers warming by a blazing fire, home cooked fish, chips and peas, a steaming cup of tea and his beautiful wife (ok the last bit is a stretch) but he still manages to have a face like a bag of spanners, I might ditch the expense of a Roman burial and just throw him on the fire.
Friday and man has to go out and fix a roof so that leaves me twiddling my thumbs, I decide to go on a mission to find sticky back plastic the patterned type but the one that also lets the light in, not difficult you would think.
15 shops down and I am no nearer, in fact when I try and explain this to the shop keepers they look at me as if I have two heads, I am not being funny years ago when we had to make do and mend this stuff was everywhere, now it’s as rare as rocking horse poo.
I want it to stick on my shed windows as we seem to have some unsavoury characters around here at the moment, they have already tried to break into man’s van which I might add had the side door open as he does not keep tools in there, he has now put a sign on the van doors to say as such, so rather than the shed look like a sweetie shop for the carpenter bugler I just need patterned sticky back plastic, one shop keeper suggested I put nets up, I nearly chocked at this idea I mean do I look ninety (don’t answer that one) and with the village I live in they would have the shed fashion police knocking at my door before I could ruffle them, I am taking a risk with the plastic as I am sure the requirements of the village are etching or place security on the door.
It looks like the only shop that will supply this is the Google shop, and they wonder why people shop online, It is because I return home with 4 stir fry sauces, a box of cereal, a birthday card, and hairspray, non of which I really need but they were a bargain and women would buy a nuclear bomb at the right price (you never know when it will come in handy) if I stack these items at the windows they might cover the glass until the plastic arrives, and I will be alright as long as the burglar who comes to my shed is not celebrating a birthday, he does not arrive in the morning, it is not windy and he is not Chinese.
Thursday and man takes me shopping and buy’s me a dress, it’s ok I have a medical expert checking him over as we speak, and I think I will also get checked over as I have not worn a dress in about 10 years.
He also treated me to lunch (he must be coming down with something) we normally go for the safe option of Mc D’s but I suggest we try the Noodle box, can I just say the food was amazing, all be it the girl serving us lied, as when I asked if the sauce was hot she assured me it was a mild sauce, mild my backside it cleared both my sinuses and all my internal organs, at one point I was to afraid to breath as the burn was that intense, but overall we enjoyed the food and both of us failed to finish it so there was certainly enough, or rather the contents had burned through the box and table and was making it’s way through the floor tiles when we left.
We headed home and after cat napping on the sofa walked up to the local mainly to walk off our still full bellies, the usual suspects were in attendance and as seems to be the case more and more lately the self serve element was in play, I kid you not, the owner of the pub is a wonderful lady who shall we say in her later years is struggling, but the regulars who go there all take it in turns so serve one another, there is even a fridge by the doorway leading into the pub, nowhere near the bar area that the clientele just grab a bottle and leave the money on the bar, like an honesty service, the survival kit for our local is a torch as it is very poorly lit to get to, a bottle opener in case the land lady is not in attendance warm clothing as there does not seem to be any heating and the correct money, but it is a wonderful place filled with wonderful quirky people.
Wednesday and this is man’s Friday as he works weekends I have a fair bit to do today before man comes home, and then this evening we are off up our local to the open mike night, friends are also joining us.
I get all the chores done, and have a little practice on the guitar, and then we are off, our friends daughter is currently studying to be a classical singer and having heard her I think she is sure to make it, so their ears are finely tuned for this beautiful sound, and prior to me assaulting their ears they discuss how their daughter is being picked for all sorts of wonderful singer roles and parts in musicals this does make me a little nervous about singing and playing in front of them, but I think to myself some people have the Albert Hall and others like me have the local, and if they are mad enough to come and listen to me I will at least prove how good their daughter really is by giving them the other end of the scale.
Our local is quite empty tonight, it has to be the weather and not the music that is keeping them indoors! also there are not many artists in (I use this word loosely in my case) so before I know it I have been dragged up, and a few of us have a jamming session, one of the lads is absolutely amazing and has a bit of a Ben Howard vibe, he has only been playing about 2 years and singing even less but he is pitch perfect, well I soon sort that out, but bless he keeps with me, he does ask at one point what rhythm I am in, to which I reply what’s rhythm? And one of the other guys very tactfully says one of you is out of tune I point at Russell to which I get that look you give a child when you know they have done something wrong.
We bash out a few tunes (again I use the word loosely) and I return to our table, our friends look as if they have been musically abused, but at least they are still there, they do say that sadly they don’t think they will be able to make it again, I wonder why that is?
Tuesday and once again I have got the fire fitters coming, they are in the house more than man at the moment and people will start to talk, well I hope so because in this village if they are talking about me they are giving someone else a break, beside which I quite fancy a rumour about me having a toyboy.
First off I have been sent a test to do by a possible job offer, well I have to pass this test then do another and then and only then I might get an interview, I am a long way off, so I start the test and hopefully I have produced what they are looking for, I then get a call to say I can pick up my wages for the work I did with man last week Yippee payday it’s a quick car journey or should have been quick, if I did not stop jawing to the boss for half an hour, we put the world to rights and now know how to run the country properly, I suddenly realise the fire fitters are due so make my excuses and head back home just as the fire fitters arrive.
Isn't it always the way that you complain something is broken only to be proven wrong? It's the same with doctors, you always feel better as soon as you enter the surgery. The fire fitter Scot, yes we are now on 1st name terms, has the fire lit and it is blazing away in the corner making me look like the village idiot (does not have to try hard).
Good news does come out of this Scot is about to start his own business and has asked me to create him a website and set up some social media channels for him so it is a good job I can’t light fires.
After Scot leaves I send off the test to the recruiters (fingers crossed) and head off to maths, Oops I have only done half of the homework, do you think the teacher will believe me if I say the dog ate it?
Monday 1st thing I check the mammoth Government application form one last time before emailing it, well it’s gone now all I can do is hope that after all that hard work I at least get an interview.
After I finish the ironing, cleaning, shopping, and making a large pot of beef in red wine, I think it best I at least get some of my maths homework done before tomorrows lesson, so I pop the heating on (fire is still not working) grab a coffee and head down arse up I get stuck in, I do manage to remember how to do change a decimal to a fraction and visa versa (well it looks right to me) and I manage to get half of it done before man gets home from work.
What is it with men and things that don’t work do they think that the pixies come out in the night when they are in bed and fix things? I ask this because after man has had his dinner he decides to have another go at lighting the fire, I know where this will lead, and that is a evening with a grumpy man muttering under his breath because he can’t get the fire lit, I say nothing as I go out the kitchen and stay out of the way, needless to say he did not get the fire lit.
Sunday, with charge of the church brigade underway and the bells blowing my ears off I plan on another day filling in application forms, what a happy and joyous life I lead.
I start off well and get several CV’s sent off, but then comes the government application form, if you have never done one of these I would suggest you take a look at one these are hard, they ask very ambiguous questions which give you no direction as to the required answer, 3 hours in and I am cold so I try and light the fire (notice the TRY word) after three attempts of getting it lit and it going out I give in and put the heating on.
Another 3 hours go by and man comes home just as I complete the government application form, I am totally drained and do not have another suitable answer in me, so when man grunts about the heating being on when we have just had a fire fitted, I throw the firelighters at him and say “you bloody try and light it” which he does also three times, that must be the rule of thumb to find out if something does not work.
He starts grumbling that it does not work, It is all I can do to stop the I told you so coming out of my grinning mouth, he must be a mind reader because he turns to me and says “don’t say it” I reply “I wasn't going to say a word, BUT I told you it wasn't working” this sets the tone for the rest of the evening.
Saturday and I have to shake a leg as the guys are coming to fix the fire at 10am and I do not want to frighten them off by answering the door like death warmed up so I grab a shower and put some slap on, as long as I don’t put my glasses on I don’t look to bad.
The guys are bang on time and before I know it they have sorted the leak and are on their way, I have to pop out and pick up mans tablets and some bits and pieces, as I round the corner of the house I notice that one of the fire fitters is on the roof of their van tying down their ladders with no harness, I warn him not to fall off while I am out and mess up the pavement, he grins and waves (two fingers).
While out with man the other evening we stopped at our local shop for some milk and I noticed a fireside basket in the closed charity shop window next door, so I make a beeline for there first, I screech to a halt outside rushing in before anyone can beat me to it only to find a label on it saying for display purposes only WHAT! Since when did charity shops have display only items, I am even more miffed when I notice another two baskets that would equally suffice only to find they to are for display purposes, I am muttering under my breath is anything in this shop actually for sale when I clock a rather nice bag I turn the label over expecting to see for display purpose only but it’s worst they want £6 for it, I am not being funny I could get two for that in Primarni.
I am working with man again this morning still painting that bloody fire escape, I have started dreaming about this thing where it starts to corrode under my feet because I was not quick enough painting it, or is it a dream?
Again we start as all good trades do with a bacon and sausage roll and a coffee, at which point my mum and dad walk past, it is mums 70th birthday today and we are standing talking in the street she was born how uncanny is that, I tell her I will pop over later this evening and head back to work, we are all praying to the sun god that it can hold off the rain to get the job done, once again I seem to be the only one working as the guys stand around talking a good job.
In the afternoon I have an interview, the company contacted me regards this one and it looks promising from what they said on the phone, they have already rung me several times today to make sure I can attend, seems strange but maybe they are just thorough.
I head home to make myself look more like Alan Sugars apprentice rather than an extra in Alvederzane Pet and then head into Cardiff, after an hour drive I do manage to park in the street which is a miracle, so with the rain holding off until now and the parking I feel the gods are on my side, this however is where they turn on me, 1st it starts to rain and then I get into the office where I am meet by the lady I spoke to on the phone who is very nice, I am then lead into an office by a gentleman and I use the term loosely who then interviews (I also use this term very loosely) me even after I ask I do not get his name, he asks me one question and ignores my answer, then he proceeds to speak at me while scribbling nonsense all over the back of my CV that I had been asked to bring, when I asked for clarity on the actual position I am being interviewed for I find out it is selling a product on the street, I feel like saying take a look at me sunshine do I look like I should be standing in the street selling something, but I thought better about asking that question as he may have answered me, I have babysat children older than this little scrotum so before I decide to put him over my lap for 10 of the best I leave, this whole process takes 5 minutes and a two hour commute, what a waste I could have stayed with man and earned some money.
I am still unemployed Lord Sugar if your reading this.
The weather is atrocious today, so as man is home and it was a late one at the local last night we decide to have a rain day, this involves the new fire going like a furnace, junk food and lost on the TV.
Once again I am on fire duty, I do not know how this happened but man said that I am always moaning I have so much to do that one more thing will not make much difference, it’s ok I am binding my time and as soon as I know how to get rid of the teeth he’s gone.
All is going swimmingly until drip drip drip whoosh, yes we have a leak in fact we have two! One above the new fire and puddles appearing under the wood pile in the other fire place this is also where my guitars are stood!
I mange to save the guitars before they get damaged and mop up the leak from under the wood, we notify the installers of the fire, who promise to come back when the weather is better so that could mean 2030, with the afternoon ruined there is only one person to blame, man.
Wednesday, the day has finally arrived after months of hunter gather (wood) and marshmallow buying the log burner is finally getting fitted, Huston we have lift off.
There are two lads fitting the fire I have set up office in the bedroom as they have both doors open and with one of them dangling off the roof in a thunderstorm my stomach cannot take witnessing the carnage they are creating.
A few hours later they call me downstairs to no mess and a fitted fire which they are just about to show me how to light, forgive me but isn’t man suppose to be the maker of fire? but as he is in work, once again it is left to the little woman (I know little is a stretch) I resist the urge to start singing The Prodigy's I’m a fire starter and get the fire lit, they then tell me I must only have a small fire and then let it go out and repeat the process a couple of times until gradually building to a large fire, this pee’s on my bonfire (literally), especially as I am freezing cold! however I do manage to do as I’m told (for once), beside which it is soon time to get ready for open mike night up the local, where I once again treat the audience to songs played and sung in a way they never thought humanly possible, there was a mention of cats and hot tin roofs but I do not know that song so I sang a bit of Paolo.
Believe me from tomorrow that fire will be going like Thomas the Tank engine for the foreseeable future.
Tuesday, and again I am working with man, today come hell or high water I am having a cake.
We start the day with a bacon and sausage roll and a coffee as all proper trades do, I then start painting the fire escape I stripped yesterday and the paint is like tar so it is heavy going, I somehow manage to drop the paintbrush on the flat roof and as I reach through the bars of the railings I realise these are railings I have just painted I now have black gloopy paint all up my left arm, never mind this matches the fact my hands are covered in it.
I get a good section done while man and the two others are standing around trying to look busy just like council workers, we stop for lunch and paint + roll is feed into my stomach (I hope the paint is not lead based knowing man it is), lunch time over and black clouds descend I manage to get a little more done before the heavens open and it is lashing down, only one thing to do when this happens put the kettle on, I then remember cake and before I can forget cake I head into the bakery and purchase cake one for each of us we are now standing under a makeshift tarpaulin drinking tea covered in cream, in the rain, my husband announces that his cake is dry and before he can complain any more I have ripped it out of his grasp and swallowed it whole, there problem solved.
With rain stopping play I head home and try and scrap the paint off my arm and hands before college, I do not do a bad job well that is until I get to college and put my glasses on, I can then see all the bits I have missed, but as the class is so engrossed in increasing and decreasing percentages I think I have got away with it.
Monday, today I am working with man on a painting job, my job is to sand and scrap all the old paint off a fire escape stairway, could it get more exciting well actually yes as the fire escape stairway is attached to a bakery and what do you find in a bakery?
correct cakes lots and lots of cakes, I feel I have died and gone to heaven but after a salad roll and a banana (healthy option) I forget about the cakes and submerge myself in the job at hand, stairway striped and bits of black paint everywhere including where the sun never shines, I head home and run a hot bath, while wallowing in said bath I suddenly realise I did not have a single cake, this puts me in a bad mood for the remainder of the afternoon and I have to have several chocolate biscuits to try and soften the blow.
In the evening man and I go for a walk and drop into the local for one, the weather is changing and it is dark when we get there so as we have not brought the torch we do only make it the one, I do not know if it was that or the weather but I am then up all night with what feels like a water infection, I get up around 4am and take some tablets and head back to see if I can get some sleep when I hear man coughing and spluttering down the stairs, between the both of us I think a gun would be the only solution.
Sunday morning and as I only have one section of the garden seating to creosol this is the plan of action for the day, the sun is shining and I have my little transistor radio throwing out some good tunes.
I am about an hour in and the sky suddenly becomes very overcast and it starts to drizzle, with only about another hour until I have finally finished the seating I say a little prayer that it will hold off and someone is listening because the clouds part the sun comes back out and I manage to finish the job.
I then decide to finish off my maths homework, what joy changing percentages to fractions in their lowest form, and I have forgotten how to do them I wrack my one remaining brain cell and finally work them out (I think) that’s seating finished, homework finished, and dinner cooked, my god I am superwoman.
As my brain is still hurting from the homework I pile even more pressure on it, I have decided to watch Lost again I found the box set on one of the multitude of satellite boxes that now live under my TV after switching them all on and nearly putting out the national grid I finally find Lost, three episodes in and I still think the name is very apt, does anyone know if it is suppose to make sense as I am none the wiser the second time around, and how is it they have survived being thrown thousands of feet out of a plane they are running out of food and water been chased by polar bears and god knows what else and still manage to look like they have stepped off the front cover of a glossy? I have only been in the garden with a little drizzle and I would not make the front cover of crufts.
Saturday, man is back in work so normal service is resumed; I spend most of the morning cleaning before I have the real treat of doing the food shop, anymore excitement today and I think I will burst.
I return from shopping with a car full of goodies and would you credit it I cannot park outside the house as there is no spaces, I park a couple of hundreds yards away and hump three of the bags; wine, chocolate and crisps, well you have to get your priorities right, as I get to the house I notice a small space and think can I, I dump the bags by the gate and rush back for the car before anyone else can grab this motorbike space, you would be proud of me girls I reverse park in one go with no revving and I am in, with only enough room each side for a gnats todger and 3 cigarette papers, I drag the remaining bags in the house and pop a chicken in the oven for tonight’s dinner.
I decide to do a little maths homework and after around an hour a light bulb pops on in my head and I suddenly remember I still have two small tubs of ice cream in my handbag, no I have not taken to shoplifting in my old age, we have to buy our carrier bags here in Wales and I was not going to spend another 5p just for two small tubs of ice-cream, I lift them out and although they feel a little squishy there is nothing that will put me off Haagen Dazs praline and cream so I pop them in the freezer, ready for this evening’s Celeb Juice, Haagen Dazs and Celeb Juice is the highlight of my week.
Man returns home and he is ill he sits snivelling, coughing and spluttering on the sofa, just because he is ill I hope he does not think he is getting any of my Haagen Dazs because he can think again he would have more chance of getting one of my kidneys than any of my ice-cream, and if he does not shut up coughing when Celeb Juice is on I might end his cold permanently, maybe I should look at a career in nursing you would not have the problem of no beds if I was in charge.
Friday, today I am working with man he has been asked to put new felt roof on a shed and some painting work, he wants me to help holding the ladder and such, he is taking a risk having me hold the ladder as I have seen his insurance policy!
I have worked with him on a few contract painting jobs and know that I am better than your average painter and decorator I even have the white (Super Mario) overalls to prove it, dressed in these overalls we head off, we stop in B&Q on route for some felt, we are heading into the store and a chap in the car-park shouts “off painting are you” I feel like shouting back “no off to do open heart surgery” but I bite my tongue then man decides to stop and chat to this bloke who then proceeds to tell us he has been in the business 27 years he learnt the old way, that no one knows how to do the job properly anymore, and no offence LOVE but women do not generally make good painters and decorators! it is at this point man drags me into the store as I start to foam at the mouth and feel my finger and toenails unsheathe, why do people think they can say exactly what they want to total strangers, this guy would have had difficulty in painting anything higher than a skirting board, I put it down to short persons syndrome, and take the whole event out on man for the rest of the day.
We get the shed roof done and it takes us longer than first thought as there is a problem with access to the back of the shed, but we get it done and the job’s a good one.
We head home and spend the rest of the day watching The Prisoners a two and a half hour long film which is pretty good, it is about two fathers torturing a chap they think has abducted their little girls, (the things they do I visualise happening to that chap in the car park) we watch this and stuff maltesers, this numbs the rudeness of the chap and gives me time to make a Voodoo Doll.
Thursday and man is home this is his Saturday as he works the weekend, he goes off to the dentist and leaves me creosoting the seating area he has made in the garden, gosh I lead a privileged lifestyle.
After another four hours creosoting I am done in, and it is still not finished but it is starting to look good, I just hope that one day we can actually sit in this garden and enjoy it.
The wood burner gets fitted next week and man has been foraging wood again, or rather asking anyone he speaks to if they know of any, all of the people asked seem to know where wood is going free (we know some strange people), so the afternoon is once again spent humping wood up the garden path, I think we now have enough to last us through the next ice age, but this does not deter man from continuing to ask and seek more wood, I think he now has a fetish for it.
In the evening we pop out for a bite to eat and head for the cheap and cheerful two for one, as we are sat waiting for our food to arrive I notice a young girl and lad sat opposite and I think bless young love, me being a nosey witch I continue to glance over and in all the time they are sat together the girl does not take her eyes off her mobile phone, her young man continues to talk to the side of her head and every now and again she nods or answers him, this goes on for around half an hour and I wonder if she has heard a word he has said, it is at this point my husband says “don’t you think” I say “think what? Sorry I was not listening”
Pinch punch 1st of the month and the start of the weekend for me, as you know man works Saturday to Wednesday so tonight is our Friday night, and we may partake in a little light refreshment at the open mike night in our local.
But 1st I have a mountain of ironing the kitchen to clean 4 job application forms to fill in and a partridge in a pear tree, talking of job applications they are like buses nothing for months and then two come along at the same time, I have been offered a part time position with one company working 6 months of the year, which although sounds very cushy and as much as I visualise spending the other 6 months on my yacht I don’t have a yacht so not a great prospect, job No 2 is an interview so not a solid offer yet and it is a little far with regards to travelling, but beggars cannot be choosers so I except the interview and do some research on the company, before you ask no Alan Sugar still has not got back (how rude) he really does not know what he is missing.
Applications filled, ironing done, Man fed, Partridge stuffed, and it’s off up the local, and after a few brandy’s I decide to treat the audience to my rendition of Candy by Paolo Nutini, it seems I have a full band tonight one of the guy’s gets up with his guitar and another with his beat drum and a chap in the audience sings along, they must think I am good to want to join in with me either that or they are tiring to drown me out, being a glass half full type of girl (girl hahaha) I will go for the 1st option, I murder another two songs one of which half way through my voice decided to do a Bee Gee note? where did that come from, and did someone say glass half full, top up, don’t mind if I do.