The Chuckle Diaries bring's you life behind the website, sometimes funny, sometimes sad always real.
Tuesday and I wake up a little sore after yesterdays gardening injuries, I take a look at my bruised posterior and wince at the site, not so much the bruise as the cellulite making my legs look like a badly plastered very white wall and in the middle of this wall a blue and purple rather large slightly protruding lump.
Why is it when you fall as a kid you literally seem to bounce back with very little effect, yet as an adult you feel you have gone 10 rounds with Mike Tyson for days after.
Anyway let’s stop with this self pity and get back out the garden as man has made me a seating area out of wooden palettes, and I must say it’s great or will be when I sand and stain it, I spend five hours and manage to get half of it done before my back gives in completely and I start walking like Quasimodo and with my purple lump I could pass as him.
I have to get ready for college, I don’t think I told you last week I walked out as it was a complete shambles due to asbestos being found in our usual classroom (I wondered why our teacher was green and had extra fingers), we had to move and after waiting half an hour in the classroom we were sent to we discovered they had indeed gone to another classroom of which there was now no room and we were then placed with a different class who were in the process of moving classrooms due to the white board not working (what happened to blackboards?) finally settled and the teacher proceeded to teach what I can only describe as Dutch, I nor the 5 others that were from the other classroom had a clue what the teacher was talking about, he must have noticed this lack of a light bulb and avoided the five of us like the plague, so after an hour of changing rooms and not learning anything I walked, there is something liberating about walking out of a classroom especially when your from a generation that would never have done that when they were in school.
But I give it another go this week as I am not a quitter, I do manage to get in the class with our regular teacher and what joy we have turning fractions into decimal and decimal into fractions, this along with a bad back and bruised posterior I must have been Genghis Khan in a previous life.
Monday morning and as the weather is so unseasonable I decide to do some gardening, it is like Day of the Triffids out there I do not know what is in the soil around here but everything seems larger in this garden.
I have a giant rhubarb plant if you have not seen one google it they are like something out of Jurassic Park, well this one of mine has taken over about 10ft of the rockery so I decide to tackle it, I look like David Bellamy rooting through the undergrowth shears in hand I head for the beast, I manage to get a few or the giant leaves off and just about to go for another and then everything goes into slow motion, I stepped back onto the garden fork lost my footing and seemed to fly in the air for a bit before landing on the only tree stump in the garden, worst thing was I can not even swear as my neighbour is out in his garden and he is a lovely gentlemen who’s hair would probably go grayer if he heard a woman swear, but the pain in my posterior is like fire, so I hobble into the shed to have a good swear, I can’t even rub it as it is that sore.
I pick myself up and carry on like the little solider I am (ok little is stretching it) I have one of these earth turning garden fork thingy’s it has probably got a proper name but I don’t know what that is, so I start with the earth turning thingy and before I know it the rockery is looking good, however my thumb is not as I now realise I have a huge blister which had burst and now after the damage is done it starts to hurt so that’s a bottom and a thumb injured through this so called gentle pass time, I think I should take up knife throwing it might be easier on the body, before I can do any more damage I hobble back in the house.
When man gets in from work I show him my injuries hoping for a little sympathy to which his response is I hope you didn’t break the earth turning thingy, romance is not only dead in our house it is buried under the giant rhubarb plant.
Sunday morning and I awake to the sound of scraping alloy wheels on the curb, the rush of the church brigade has started without me, I run downstairs grab a cup of tea and take up position on car watch at the window, luckily mine has not been hit YET!
Once they are safely in the church I have an hour or two before the vicar unlocks the doors and let’s them out so I grab some breakfast and a shower.
In the afternoon I decide once again to look at the webcam on my laptop it has not worked since I have had it, I am not to bad with IT issues so start to look for some drivers to fix it, I spend the next two hours searching sites for drivers or information on how to get it working, god there is some crap on the WWW none of it what I am looking for, I download 4 different drivers none of which are what they said they were and have probably given me a virus, I start to loose my temper and before the air turns blue I give in as it would not do to start swearing on Sunday.
It does get me thinking to my Dad though, my Dad is technology phobic and when my Mum first had a computer bearing in mind it was not even connected to the internet for a little while my Dad would not touch it as he said he would catch something from it, when I asked him to explain what he meant he said that they are always talking about computer viruses on the news, I explained that he would not catch anything from it but he did not look convinced.
A few months later man and I were watching Spooks on the TV and the episode was about computer hackers infiltrating the CIA servers, half way through the phone goes it’s my Dad in a bit of a state saying "you will have to come to the house, your mother has gone out and the computer is making strange noises", I told him to take hold of the mouse and point it at the start menu (I had to explain what the mouse looked like), he said panicking "it is going crazy you will have to come to the house", after driving all the way to Mum and Dad’s and missing my Spooks drama I asked Dad to show me what he meant by it’s going mad, at which point he picked up the mouse and placed it directly on the computer screen, the mouse is infrared and as such it makes the screen roll, I tried to show Dad how to shut it down properly and when I said point it at the start menu I did not mean literally, to which his response was I told you those things are dangerous, I can't have that just starting up when it wants to and looking at me from the corner of the room it will have to go, I explained that Mum had probably left it on and it had gone to sleep and woken up when he had walked past it, to which he start freaking out more, I don’t think Dad will be joining Spooks anytime soon.
Saturday, today I have to go into Cardiff it is my mums 70th in a couple of weeks and I have not got a clue what I am going to get her so, I am going to look for some inspiration.
I visit man for a cuppa and a pair of scissors as he works in Cardiff this before I battle the masses of Saturday shoppers, worried about the scissors! it's ok I am not planning a Wako I am at an age where I know what shopping can inflict on the body or rather feet so I have bought some microfiber insoles for my boots and I need to cut them to size, I should join the SAS always be prepared or was that the scouts.
Cushioned feet I head into town and once again the pensioners have decided to make my task more irritable than it needs to be, STAY IN ON THE WEEKENDS! I now wish I had brought the scissors, can you legally purchase cattle prods? I check Argos and they don’t seem to have any in.
I walk up and down the streets looking for inspiration and after several hours I find something which I like, that will do as at least if mum does not like it I do, so it will not go to waste.
I purchase some lunch for man and me and head back to feed him, and you are not going to believe this I get to St Davids centre (where they hold all the gigs in Cardiff) and Jonathan Antoine (Britain’s got Talent) is singing live on the balcony to promote his new album, now I know in previous diaries I have had a go at reality TV but every now and again someone really special is found and Jonathan is one such person, all I can say is amazing what a talent the hairs stand up on the back of my neck and I am mesmerised I will defiantly be purchasing his new album, I suddenly remember I am suppose to be feeding man and his lunch is now probably cold, but he will be grateful as even cold it is better than my cooking.
Friday normal service is resumed man is back in work, and I am filling in application forms, do you really need to study to be a surgeon as I quite fancy the wage their on and I am pretty good cutting a joint of beef.
Do you remember me saying that I had a video interview lined up with a plush hotel chain well that one fell through, it’s mad how one minute they want you the next they don’t but I suppose it is a buyers market, or perhaps they have been reading my diaries and realised they do not stock enough chocolate to keep me happy, anyway who would want to leave all this rain and go and live in the sun.
I take a break in the afternoon and clean the house Oh what a privileged lifestyle I lead, everything ship shape and Bristol fashion I go back to the application forms.
In the evening I am trying to find something to watch on the TV, we have all these channels and nothing decent to watch, I am not being funny but the soaps have gone absolutely rubbish and all mirror each other to the point where you do not know which one you're watching, everyone is having an affair and bumping off their ex’s there are explosions and people get shot with flare guns in Yorkshire I mean Yorkshire not exactly Harlem is it.
And oh what joy X Factor, not happy with two days a week now on three, after 15 minutes I cannot stomach any more of this talentless, pouting, scripted self wallowing, and ill educated and that’s just the judges, I search and search until I give in and read my book instead.
Thursday and thank goodness we left the local at a respectable time last night so all in all I do not feel to bad, man is looking a little green around the gills, I think that is to do with the fact he my dad and next door neighbour thought that the pub might be getting low on stock and tried to get it down their necks before anyone else could.
We decide to take a trip out to a designer outlet you know the ones 75% off the normal price, well looking at the prices they need to take another 75% off before I could afford anything plus the fact everything is a size 6, my ankle is bigger than a size 6, who are these size 6 people? They do not exist only in the minds of these lunatic designers who surround themselves with stick insects, who you could drape a bit of sackcloth on and they would look good, if a size 6 girl walked past me I would probably use her as a toothpick.
Talking of food I am hungry, after traipsing around looking at all things that I can’t afford and that would not fit me if I had 3 tapeworms we take a drive over to a local beach we have not been in years we grab some fish and chips and sit on the seafront like two old coffin dodgers filling our faces with this delightful British delicacy, this would have been romantic if; 1. a baby seagull had not kept squawking at us, 2. it was not so cold and was not drizzling with rain and 3. man had not complained about my driving all day choosing to ignore the sat nav and send me literally and metaphorically around the bend.
Wednesday and today I have a meeting with the Riverfront in Newport regarding their Comedy Port October 2014 which after seeing the line up I recommend you try and catch one of the fantastic acts, I will be putting up all the information this weekend so pop back and take a look.
Man is home today having swapped his day off, and when man is home manual work is on the cards (oh what joy) today he has me humping wood from the church yard opposite, they have been busy chopping the trees down to make more room for the villagers, bit worrying as I noticed the vicar eyeing me up the other day well I was a little hung over and may have looked ready to drop, but an alka seltzer and a bacon bap and I soon had the colour back in my cheeks, looking at the plot they have cleared he must have a few of us in his sights, I suppose they have to drum up business some how.
If I have not burnt off at least 1000 calories I will complain to the highest order, with this in mind when man declares eat out or cook! there is only one answer ribs and steak it is and yes that maybe 1000 calories but you have to loose it to appreciate it, and appreciate it I do.
We then pop up to our local and open mike night where I treat (that’s my opinion and I am sticking to it) I treat the audience to a couple of tunes I have been practicing, they don’t go to bad that is until the next guy’s get up and just blow me out of the water, thanks guys don’t ever place your fingers on the bar in front of me or you will not play like that again.
Tuesday and the day of the dreaded Marketing exam I prepare by going through the assignments one more time and then dive in.
100 questions in two hours I feel like a well toned boxer going into ring, putting me and well toned in the same sentence is a bit of a stretch but you get the gist.
Question one: In online advertising CPM relates to? I know this so that’s a good start deeper in and I do have a few moments where my brain screams at me NO I do not know, but I calm myself with the thought of wine in celebration tastes so much sweeter, and drag an answer out kicking and screaming.
One hour in and I have answered all the questions, I decided to take some time running back through as there are one or two I am still a little unsure of and after reading them again I am still in the same boat, but overall I am feeling quite positive so I submit my answers, the score is automatic so I brave a peek at the result OMG I do not believe it 99 out of 100, and before you ask no this does not mean I only got 1 right, I means I only got 1 wrong, but it does not tell me which one, so what have I learnt, only joking I think I know which one I got wrong well I hope it is that one.
I ask the god of all knowledge which is Google (if it is not on the 1st page of Google it does not exist) and yes I now know which one I got wrong, but I am happy with my result I wallow in a bit of self glory dreaming of copious amounts of wine, this is when a gray mist descends and I realise I have Maths college this evening, no wine for me, my bubble is burst well and truly.
Monday and a quick outing on the bike and then revision all day in preparation for my Online Marketing exam which I plan to take tomorrow.
I run through the previous four assignments and if I do say so myself not bad results but I do not sit on my laurels (painful things Laurels) I read through all my illegible notes before throwing them in the bin and going through the original slides, it is strange when I write notes they make sense, when I read them back several days later it is as if when writing them my body was possessed by a raving lunatic, even the writing itself looks like it came from a character out of Wire in the Blood.
I take a break in the afternoon and pop out to the supermarket to stock up on wine, well I will either be celebrating of need consoling plus I may need a glass or two this evening for the nerves, wine bought and as it is a week day no major traumas with regards to pensioners on the roads, I know I will be one soon and not in the too far distant future but I will book myself into a nice cosy nursing home where they fit you with a wine drip which can be filtered in to a catheter which can just be set on a rotation system, I can then be left in the corner with my guitar where I will happily wait for God without inflicting my driving or other annoyances on the general public.
Back home where I hit the revision until early evening, If I am not ready now I will never be.
Did last week happen I cannot believe it is Sunday again, I am up before the charge of the church brigade, and as it is such a beautiful morning I’m back on the bike and within an hour I am back home sipping a cup of tea with a chocolate biscuit, well I do deserve it after the bike ride.
I am not getting a lot of joy with my search for a job and slowly loosing the will to live, but with no sugar daddy and a lack of arsenic (well man is insured), I give my CV an overall, write several new cover letters and apply for everything that is on the web, well everything that is legal (I would not earn my bus fair home with the illegal option).
Job hunting should be listed as a skill, if there were a job filling in application forms I would be over qualified, but some of the application forms you need to be a Mensa member to fill in, I fill in one for a receptionist, not that I am belittling a receptionist in any way but what has implementing change across a corporate environment got to do with reception duties? I know they are trying to cover all options and get the most for their money but with some it is like trying to make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear, you really should not ask your cleaner to do your accounts especially for the minimum wage.
After filling in eight with everything from the receptionist to a Social Media Manager (in the States) I call it a day my brain is now fried, I drag out the guitar and start bashing out Don’t get me wrong by the Pretenders, there is a chord change that I cannot quite get and after an hour I hear some slamming doors coming from next door! assuming they are not asking me to turn it up, I tone it down a little with some Paolo Nutini, everyone loves Paolo well everyone should, however saying that he is slightly better covering the songs than me (only slightly) the banging stops they must like this song.
Back on the bike, at this rate I will never have Halle Berry’s body well not unless I do a Buffalo Bill, but I will try the hard way first, and hard it is, I then have to pop out and pick up a card and present for my brother in law who is the big 50 today.
I think I may have covered this in a previous diary but why are pensioners allowed out on the weekend? they have all bloody week to wander around aimlessly getting in peoples way, I am trying to get through the doors of my local supermarket and it looks like the scene from the living dead, I swear I am going to commit Hara Kiri if they do not move out of the way, I grunt a few obscenities to which I get the usual response “young people have no manners” this cheers me up no end as I have not been called young for years.
I find the card section best not get the old git card but I do get one that screams your 50, well it would be wrong not to, a few beers and jobs a good one.
I drive over to my sisters trying desperately to dodge the oncoming lunatics, only to find my sister and brother in law are out, I message mum for their mobile numbers, she finally gets back and when I try the numbers surprise surprise no answer on either, why do people have mobiles I mean the clue is in the name, while all this is going on I am witness to a scene out of benefit cheats, my sister lives next door to the Clampetts the youngest of which is bashing the side of their house with a crowbar while growling at me, two of the other rugrats are climbing over the garage roof and they have M&M screaming out of the bedroom windows.
Leaving the beer on the step is not an option, I am just about to give up when my sisters daughter pulls up, she is also looking for the missing pair as she is suppose to be having lunch with them, she agrees to put the present in her boot and deliver it when she finds them, I make a hasty retreat before the scrotum next door decides to take the crowbar to me.
The pair are found, the gift is delivered, and they all enjoy their lunch, I am assuming my invite is stuck in the post?
Thank Crunchie it’s Friday, well Scotland are still with us and I for one am so pleased being Welsh we need all the allies we can get approaching the rugby 6 nations.
And the girls are allowed in St Andrews I am sure the men are over the moon NOT, there will be more Prada on show than Julian Clary’s dressing room, and men no more golf for you as you will have to get back to work to pay for it, oh yes and their membership fees.
I spend most of the day tinkering with the website and filling in application forms, talking of which do you remember me saying in earlier diaries that I received a invitation to a career open day at a very plush hotel chain but that I was disappointed because it was in Florida, well you are not going to believe this they have contacted me to say they are happy to give me a video interview, delighted is not the word I would do cart wheels if I could remember how to do them and I was not afraid of popping a hip.
In the evening I have even more good news they are making Ghostbusters 3 and apparently with an all woman cast, I don’t know how that will work as most women would talk a ghost back to the grave.
After this great news I turn the TV over and Silence of the Lambs is on what more could a girl want, every time I watch this film I see things I missed the previous times I now understand why they had a moth in the mouth of Jodie (Clarice) on the cover, It's only taken me about 5 viewings to work this one out, it is one of them films that I never seem to tire of along with Ghostbusters.
Now they say every Ying has a Yang so I may just stay in bed tomorrow.
Ouch my head hurts, Dad’s fault (yesterdays diary) up and shower but defiantly no bike today, even if I did not have a hangover I could not go out on the bike today as I have saddle sores Ouch again, I now know why John Wayne walked the way he did.
Well it’s the day of the big vote, will they let women into St Andrews Golf club? I bet the men are trembling in their Fred Perry’s, I am not a golf person as hitting a tiny ball around some well manicured lawns in the hope of finding the hole should be left to men as they have been doing this in the bedroom for years and seem to enjoy the challenge, besides which anything that gives them some practice I’m all for.
Oh yes there is another vote in Scotland, I do not know what to make of this I have never been to Scotland but I would love to, and I am now worried I have missed my chance my main worry being if they vote yes will I then be illegal immigrant, and what happens with the rugby? this is far more important than the banks or businesses leaving, at least the Scottish players are slightly more easy on the eye than the Welsh or English players who lets be fair bring new meaning to the word ugly, I am a rugby fan probably not for the same reasons as Man but I do enjoy a good maul.
And that leads me onto another thing I enjoy or should I say love with a passion and which I have decided if ever I am on death row (it may happen man has been playing up lately) my last meal will be Haagen Dazs praline and cream oh my god this has come from the heavens and flavoured by angels, it is so nice I have to eat the entire pot and then much to man’s disgust get my tongue as far in the pot as is humanly possible to catch the remaining dregs, I now have a stupid grin on my ice-cream covered face and although I feel slightly sick I am content beyond words, and what’s even better the hangover has gone which means I can wash down the ice-cream with a brandy and so the circle is complete.
Wednesday and after the bike ride I start to do a bit of revision it is my last online marketing lesson this evening I then have two weeks to do the exam am I ready, am I hell.
The lesson starts and ends with me learning absolutely nothing I don’t know what it is but lately I have the attention span of a goldfish and have to repeat things around four times before I absorb anything, I will be able to go over all the lectures so far prior to the exam thank goodness.
After the lesson it’s play time up the local, tonight my chaperon is Dad as Man does not want to go out, he’s staying in to peel pain off the walls through staring at them, Dad is great but does insist that everyone’s glass is always full, this is not normally an issue for me but Dad can drink for Britain and I have to play and sing at 10pm, by which time I am a little squiffy bear in mind I did not get here until 8:45pm.
There is a new young lad in tonight who joins us on our table his nerves are visible to the naked eye, he pulls out a brand new beautiful guitar, how do I know it brand new well the label is hanging off the neck, he goes up to the mike and he can play and sing really well but his nerves get the better of him and he apologizes and sits down with the label still hanging off his guitar, we all encourage him and say how great we think he is and I tell him as soon as he hears me he will not worry about his abilities again.
Soon we have electric violins and saxophones playing alongside guitars and keyboards it’s like a music lovers gourmet feast, that is until 10pm when I step up to the mike, why I can’t play to the standard I do in the house is beyond me but I make my way through Nights in White Satin which is more like nights in white scratching, and after several false starts with Paolo Nutini's Candy I don't think anyone is thinking candy but I stumble my way through, the young lad who was doubting himself earlier looks a lot more relaxed after listening to me so I feel I have done my bit for society.
Dad and I continue to see if we can get through the entire alcohol stock and then head home, there is something so nice about walking your Dad home after a night out, rather than your Dad dragging you home saying wait until your mother gets home.
Tuesday starts with a bike ride when will this get easier, I am puffing and panting like an old man whose smoked woodbine’s all his life, anyone walking in the woods alongside this cycle path will think it is Blair Witch on wheels, I do notice that the leaves are changing colour so it’s nearly time to peg my picture to the front gate to keep the kids away at Halloween.
Tuesday evening and it’s time for lesson two of Maths, when I signed up for this I pacifically asked if they would be teaching the basics, as you cannot move on until you have those, ‘yes’ they said, does this look basic to you? [(12 - 8) x4] ÷ (11 - 3 x 1) *Note any boffin working this out without the use of fingers, toes and a calculator this is not the site for you, I know you probably arrived here due to the Mensa puzzle but that is a joke, this is not the site for you it will damage your delicate brain, and anyway I did manage to get the answer as they were on the back of the sheet, this maths class is going the same way as it did all those years ago.
One thing did really tickle me, bear in mind this is the second class of around 30 students no one really knows anyone, it’s very quiet then from the back of the room a John Inman sounding voice asks ‘does anyone want a donut’, now if you have been reading my diaries you know I am a greedy bitch, but I held back from racing to the back of the room before anyone else could, as memories of a few weeks ago came flooding back where after I completed making my coffee table I discovered that the two ends of the wood were slightly different colours, and when my son and his girlfriend commented on how nice the table was I announced ‘yes it is lovely I had to teabag it to match the colour’ apparently much to my sons merriment tea-bagging on a table means something completely different, so I was not going to risk the donut off John Inman, as much as my tapeworm nearly strangled the girl next to me.
Monday it’s been a while since I have been on my bike and god I feel it today it’s as if I have never been on one.
But as I cycle (struggle) along I get to thinking how great evolution is 1st we had soap on a rope now we have rat on a rope, sorry if you have one of these, but you have been duped these so called dogs you know the ones with tiaras and diamond collars, the ones who that after four steps say ‘Oh I can’t make it carry me mommy’ yes those, they are actually lab rats that have mutated due to makeup testing, how do I know this well look at what this makeup has done to the models that endorse it and look at your rat on a rope, lets list the similarities; sashays when you put diamonds on it (yep) long thin neck (yep), long thin legs (yep), unable to carry the little body weight it has (yep), sh*ts more calories than it eats (yep), and wines constantly (yep).
These scientists must be rubbing their hands together selling these rats off as toy dogs to gullible individuals for extortionate amounts of money, do you think they would consider another sideline and open the doors as a sort of weight loss spa as I think I will book in, the sh*ts more calories than it eats sounds like a plan, but it has it’s downside as the amount I eat I would never leave the toilet.
I get back home and open up my email and am delighted to see an invitation to a career day from a very famous chain of plush hotels, this delight is soon smashed to pieces when I look up the address, I don’t think we have a bus route that takes in Florida, so it’s back to the drawing board still Alan Sugar has not got back yet so all hope is not lost.
Sunday morning starts with the revving of car engines, one hip replacement, four Hyacinth Bucket hats and a madness that can only mean that the church goers have arrived.
As much as I find watching these people amusing I only have two more sessions of my online marketing course left before my exam so I think now would be a good idea to run through the test sessions they have provided, well looking at the score on the last test it was not a good idea, so I run through the last couple of tutorials to see if I can brush up on the stuff I am getting wrong, but having drunk a bottle of wine last night my one remaining brain cell is screaming at me to stop and refusing to absorb anything, so I give up and jump in the shower to see if that helps! the answer is no it does not.
I decide to give fresh air a go and cresol the part of the fence in the garden that I missed due to the old shed being there, normal people would put some old clothes on, but as that would require having to think I am incapable today so I head out in my lounge clothes which consist of brown oversized jogging bottoms, a green tee shirt and cream cardigan I look a little like a tree.
I do have the foresight to take an old rag with me, (no not the mother in law) it is a good job I do as the lack of coordination results in the cresol going everywhere including my cream cardigan, I do remove the cardigan although it’s a little late as it is now a cream with brown spots cardigan.
The air does seem to have cleared my head a little so I put the cresol away clean up pop my clothes in the wash and hope they come out looking better than they went in, I then give the marketing test sessions another go and the results are much better now if only I can work out a way to stop the information I have up there at the moment from leaking out of my ears when I go to bed I will be laughing.
Today’s task should I choose to take it is to buy a protractor, a scientific calculator (what?), a transparent 12” ruler, a pair of compasses (what), file paper and graph paper.
But 1st I must dye my hair as sadly the gray root look is yet to hit a fashion trend, I apply the dye and being the expert multitasker that I am decide to peg the washing out, it is at this point that my neighbours catch me and chat, my neighbours are such a lovely young beautiful couple, they must look at me this morning and think I hit every branch of the ugly tree, my hair looks like a cross between Edward Scissor Hands and Noel Fielding I have no makeup on so enough to scare off Norman Bates, and to top off the look I have a large spot on my chin, we stand chatting for some time I then remember the hair dye! I make my excuses those being if I do not get this stuff off I will be bald, which with the way I look at the moment might not be so bad.
I only loose a bit of hair well a bit more that a bit but I manage to cover up the thin spots and look a little better so head off to town on my mission, you would think as it is still September so not long since the monsters, Oops sorry little angles went back to school that the shops would be full of the above items but no, I do manage to get the boffin calculator and a see through ruler at the 1st shop, second shop I manage to get file paper, 3rd shop I am board stiff and will not pay £9 for a protractor, compass and ruler set especially as I already have a ruler, I am going to one more shop and that’s it, in this shop they have exactly the same set as the one I have just seen but £1.99 that’s more like it, I give up on graph paper as this seems harder to find than the Da Vinci code.
After all that hard work I treat myself to a cheese and ham pasty and being the greedy witch I am eat it as soon as I get back to the car covering me and the car in cheese and crumbs, when I pull up outside the house I step out of the car only to find my neighbours are out cleaning their car they take one look at me with pasty remnants trailing over my spot and the rest of me and must be giving thanks to the highest order for their beauty.
Friday and I still have no car if ones son does not bring it back today he will feel the wrath of a premenstrual mother.
Talking of which I think they should start a regiment of premenstrual women they would be like the Gurkha’s only more frightening, they do say if you put women together for some time their cycle will start to match the others so they could have 12 houses filled with women, one house for every month it would be a super army, there again a house full of premenstrual women it would be like chainsaw massacre, my ideas always seem to have these little flaws in them.
I see they found Oscar Pistorius guilty of something but they are not sure what, perhaps the judge should have the explanation of murder explained to her, it is like OJ Simpson all over again, what is with these sports men they seem to be able to get away with murder, literally.
In the afternoon I get an email from my marketing tutor to say he has a look at this site and he hopes I do not mind but he would like to make some suggestions, one of which is to reduce the size of the heading on each page, so without further ado I mean he is the expert, I set to it 1st page I change the font size and click apply to every page, it is only then I realise I have not only changed the font size but I have also renamed every page to chuckle diaries Nooooooooooooooooo, It is at this point ones son drops the car off, he starts to make a joke of how stressed I look and then takes another look at my face and makes a hasty retreat.
It takes me until 1am to sort this mess out and while I am sorting it I find where I could have made the change avoiding all this, next time someone makes a suggestion I think I will tell them where they can store it.
Its Oscar Pistorius verdict and can you believe it not guilty of pre meditated murder! Man has just rushed out to get tickets to South Africa, strangely he’s only bought a one way ticket for me?
Its also my Dad’s birthday so like the dutiful daughter I am I trottle over with a card and some CD’s, my Dad like me is music mad, I think that is where I get it from, notice I have had to walk over, yes ones son has still got my car still it’s a beautiful day and after stuffing a bag of crisps and a chocolate muffin I think the walk may do some good.
I watch the verdict at Mum and Dad’s now my father can have a row in an empty room he is very verbal when he disagrees with something which is almost everything, he even thinks that the weather forecast is a conspiracy as in his words “It is always bloody sunny in London how do they get to have all the nice weather” well the poor judge in the Oscar Pistorius case is having it double barrel (excuse the pun) all this is going on and they have a chap from the council in the next room checking for asbestos, I can physically see him speed up his survey to get out before Dad draws his own gun and shots the TV.
I spend the afternoon catching up on my Online Marketing lecture that I missed Tuesday due to the Maths lesson, and then I start my Maths homework and brilliant I think I have nailed Highest Common Factors, another useless bit of information blocking up my brain that I will never use, if only I could swap all that useless information for useful information that is actually going to get me a job, as the afternoon is topped off with a no from the interview I attended last week, back to the drawing board, does anyone know if Alan Sugar needs a cleaner?
Thank goodness for Facebook and it is not often you hear me say that, but I having switched it on today the 1st thing I see is my brother in law wishing my sister a happy anniversary, and I had forgotten.
I get dressed in a bit of a stew as I stayed up quite late last night with a bottle of red, my son stayed down and we spent half the night talking, so with very little sleep I am a bit of a mess as usual.
I nip out and grab a card and it is at this point I realise it is my Dad’s birthday tomorrow if this is not alzheimer's I don’t want to find out what is, I grab another card and some flowers and head of to my sisters, I don’t see my sister as often as I should so we do not stop talking for an hour and a half.
Even the two cups of tea does not parch the throat from all that talking and as I drive home my tongue is stuck to the roof of my mouth, on returning home my son asks if he can loan the car, promising to return it, I am unable to say no with my tongue worn out and realise that’s the last I see of the car for two days.
Tuesday starts with a cycle ride, and this is getting to easy now I may have to look to venture a little further, but I will not rush into this, I will give it a couple of months thought.
Then I am off to college I have decided after many many years to re-sit my GCSE (is it still called GCSE) Maths, I turn up at the allotted time and thanks god I did as seats are at a premium and soon become extinct as over 50 people cram into the small class room, all ages and by the looks all walks of society, the teachers give a little intro and sadly their entertainment skills are a little lacking they then split the group, trust me to pick the teacher with no sense of humour and very little people skills, it is like 1985 all over again, I spend all lesson thinking I will be sent to the headmaster for the cane.
Hitler’s protégé hands out some worksheets and I feel the colour drain, Prime numbers, Highest Common Factors and Square root WHAT! nothing like easing us in gently and this is nothing like that.
Hitler’s protégé then announces we are all in for the higher Tier and he expects a B, bear in mind this is normally a two year course which we are expected to do in a year, I take a look at all the gray blank faces around the room and something tells me this man is going to be very disappointed, but being a teacher he should be used to disappointment.
Monday comes around to quickly I have 5 lots of comedian interviews to prep, 4 job applications to fill in, and a mountain of housework, I am defiantly coming back as a man, as they get to choose what chores they do while we have to do what lands in our lap first.
By 2pm I have prepped one interview filled in and sent off the 4 application forms, cooked beef in red wine, washed and dried a load of washing, several updates on the website, and cleaned the kitchen, and they say being a housewife is not skilled work, I would love to see Lord Sugar or Boris Johnson do that, Sugar would still be trying to reach the line post and Boris would be trying to work out where Wales is, when I finally manage to get a job I do not know where I am going to fit it in.
It is fast approaching this evenings hour doing of my online marketing course and I don’t know how I am going to stay awake, my own fault I sat up in bed finishing my book (Dan Brown's Inferno) you know what it’s like when your coming to the end of a book you just have to finish it, I must say Dan has to much time on his hands to do all the research that he puts into his books, not a bad read I did get a little bored with the endless explanation of buildings and artefacts but the plot was good, I am not a book critic and what do I know, all I will say is read it for yourself, he does however always manage to make me want to visit the places he writes about so if there are any volunteers to take me to Florence or Venice, I am not fussy about which give me a shout and save me from tomorrows chores.
Sunday morning and it’s shopping day what joy, off I go to tackle the traffic, I must say there was a time when you would not see a car on the road on a Sunday, now the roads are packed and packed full of drivers who seem to have gotten their licence off the back of a cereal box.
Why does nobody feel the need to indicate anymore, I scream from my open window 50/50 phone a friend ask the bloody audience but give us a clue which direction your going in, then you have the flat cap brigade you know the ones ‘I have been driving 50 years and never had an accident’ they obviously have never looked in their rear view mirror to witness the carnage they have caused behind them.
I just about make it to the supermarket in one piece then we have the most dangerous place on earth forget shark infested waters, at the supermarket car park you take your life in your hands, people reversing out of their space where obviously the rules of the road do not apply to them they don’t need to look behind them, and neither does the car that is reversing out directly behind them, you would think someone would give, Oh No not in car park wars it is a battle to the death, and passers by are just collateral damage.
There are car doors being flung open onto other car doors and screaming children being hauled from these cars by parents who have had to endure that screaming for the entire morning, they fling these beasts into trolleys and then have the joy of stopping Chardonnay and Prince from ripping everything from the shelves in the supermarket.
Pensioners aimlessly pushing trolleys around the car park as they cannot remember where they parked, what colour the car is or even if they have a car, when as today the sun is out I like to stand and watch these little tussles and realise my life is not as sad as I thought.
I head inside I must say going shopping when your hungry is not a good idea! But being on a diet I am always hungry, I try to stop the trail of my saliva from dripping onto everything in the chocolate isle, I also manage to make it through without going into a blind panic and filling the trolley with it and then sitting on top of it doing a Gollum my precious impersonation.
I make it around and must say my trolley looks almost healthy well almost! the wine must have leapt off the shelf and I did not notice it until I was at the checkout so it was to late to put it back, I start to fling everything onto the conveyor belt Lettuce, Bread, Milk, cuddly toy (only kidding) when I manage to look up I realise to my horror I am behind a pensioner who has decided she want's to change one of the items she has and goes trottling off, by the time she returns I have steam coming from every orifice and I start to make an uncontrollable grunting noise, only once she has packed everything away told the girl on the checkout her life story including ailments which are many does she then start the search in her trolley bag (yes the one she has just put the shopping in) for her purse, she looks back and while smiling a very gummy smile say’s I won’t keep you a minute, I bite down hard on my loaf of bread to stop any obscenities from escaping.
Saturday and I have a call to say the deed is done my son proposed and thank the lord she said yes, that’s the son off my hands now for the husband, any offers?
He is fully house trained a really good handy man, he can fix anything including electrics, makes furniture, can cook, clean, only thing he does not do is hang washing out! for some strange reason this is beyond him, he does not know yet but he is willing to relocate, I think the climate in Australia might suit him best.
If you are interested I will not under sell him he is your's for a gateau, no not a slice I am thinking maybe a family or party size, strawberry or chocolate, but it has to be defrosted as last time I had one I could not wait for it to defrost and it gave my stomach freezer burn.
Oh by the way the other thing he does not do is romance so if your expecting hearts and flowers you best get your own, now there’s a thought if you have the romantic type who is crap in the house perhaps we could have a husband swap, I could do with some wine and dine experience and mine will make you a table, think about it and let me know.
Friday morning and all is well, I am expecting a visit today from ones son, he is gracing us with his presence, but only because he is proposing to his girlfriend this weekend and I have the ring, it has been hidden in my underwear draw for the last two weeks as any burglar who opened that draw would quickly close it again due to the fact that my support knickers look like a medieval torture device!
Believe me putting them on is like medieval torture, put it this way if you have never tried on a pair give it a go, it is not something for the faint hearted and you can not do it in a rush, I would also fit a caffita if wearing them as once there on you need a surgical team to get them off, and women of a delicate age have no hope on a night out, but to do what they do the pain is worth it.
So back to the engagement we are delighted as we could not have picked a nicer daughter in law, and I am so happy for them both, my son seems a little nervous which is not like him but he is discussing how he is going to take his girlfriend to a beautiful hotel he has booked and in the evening he has booked a restaurant to do the deed so to speak, all this gets me thinking back to my engagement I had no say in what ring I got, the 1st time man went out to buy a ring he spent the money getting drunk with his mate, I then had to wait until he had saved the £2.50 again, I had to book the restaurant where his mum and step dad and my mum and dad were also in attendance (so romantic) half way through the meal he shoved the ring under the table leaned over and whispered in my ear ‘here you go and don’t make a fuss’ and they say romance is dead, I think my son got his romantic side from the stork.
Anyway this is the reason that this post is a little late coming to you as I had to wait for the deed to be done as I would not want to be the one who let the cat out of the bag, I am sure you will join us in wishing them all the very best and a future full of happiness and love.
This takes up most of the morning and keeps the interview nerves at bay, but it is fast approaching and as I currently look like a witch that has been excluded from the coven because she is to rough, I drag my lard arse off to the shower, suited and booted and looking immensely better than I did half an hour ago I set off.
I only get lost once which is good for me but the sat nav helps NOT, the interview goes ok I think no major traumas, what is strange the company is in the process of moving so we start at their new premises and then go over to the old one to conduct the interview on the drive over we pass a Dalek I kid you not there is a full size Dalek at the side of the road on a industrial estate, before you ask I have not been drinking of taking anything, but I did ask the interviewers if they had seen it just to make sure before they drag me off to the nice room with the white walls.
After the interview I drive back home and see the Dalek again if I was not manoeuvring around a roundabout I would have grabbed a picture, but you will have to take my word for it.
If you want to see real crazy people check out a Channel 4 new programme ‘All creatures great and stuffed’ Google it you will not believe your eyes some guy has stuffed his dead cat and using it as a small helicopter! these people are barking.
Wednesday morning and I pop out on the bike, since I started this diet all I can think about is food, so when I see a particularly juicy squirrel on the path for just a moment I honestly consider eating it!
In fairness for it’s size it has a rather large rump (yes I'm still talking about the squirrel), fried with onions and covered in sauce, I am loosing it I have turned into a sauce dipping squirrel eater and they say dieting is good for you!
When I return from my cycle ride I am feeling particularly thin (ok thinner) so much so I decide to risk the scales and NO I have still not lost weight what is going on? I have a shower and avoid eye contact with this alien body that does not belong to me especially after almost a week of dieting.
I spend the afternoon prepping for tomorrow’s interview and researching liposuction which I find I cannot afford, I wonder if the vacuum cleaner will suffice, and then I remember the bloody EU and the fact they are banning anything that has the power to do it’s job, so the vacuum is out, now you can only buy ornamental vacuum cleaners you know the ones that stand in the corner as jacket holders, they are now also targeting hairdryers I was straight out and bought 6 so I should be good until 2030 buy which time I will be one of those mental old bag lady’s and will not really care about what my hair looks like.
They say they have toaster and kettles on there radar, now shot me if you think I am wrong (before you all grab your guns that’s a metaphor) but surely they should be looking at things that really mess up the atmosphere like nuclear power plans and smoke emissions how on earth is making me look like Kate Bush going to help? Answers on a postcard.
Tuesday and have they contacted me about the interview you guesses it no, they are probably still trying to stop laughing, I'm not laughing as It’s day 4 of the diet and I could eat a scabby dog, in fact I could eat a dead scabby dog, after 4 fat free yogurts and a salad I am in need of a sugar buzz.
I try pushing a banana through my teeth to see if I am able to suck the sugar from it, I have my eyes closed (it’s not the mind it comes out of) and I am trying to imagine it is chocolate, half way through and nearly! NO it’s not chocolate and there is no sugar buzz.
To take my mind off the whole experience I work on the website as you can see by this snazzy new diary layout (what do you think?) I also start to put a footer on the site and would you believe it, with the program I use I have to do each page individually! and the text editor on the site is playing up, this is not good when I am dieting, normally when issues start to get under my skin I have chocolate or if they are really bad, cake I shove an apple in my mouth, this also helps to muffle the obscenities, I get to pages beginning with J before I really loose patience and decide to have a break.
As soon as I put the laptop down Man comes home from work, he has been on a hunter gather mission and managed to get some free wood ready for the launch of our new wood burner, and before you ask NO it is not fitted yet, probably next July when the weather warms up.
Anyway back to the wood, Man then has me sawing said wood, I kid you not he was not only brave enough to ask but to hand me a saw, it’s still light and my neighbours window faces my garden so murder is out for the moment but I will get to it at some point.
Wood sawed (is sawed a word I will Google it later) wood sawed and I am then permitted to relax for the rest of the evening, what’s left of it, and they say romance is dead!
Well 1st of the month and I have a busy day today to start with I have an interview, so I quickly get suited and booted looking sharp if I do say so myself. (it's all down to support knickers, better invention than the wheel)
Pity that sharpness does not extend to my brain as three times I try to leave the house 1st time I forget my folder with all my certificates in 2nd I have left me phone behind, never mind third time lucky! I sit in the car set the sat-nav up only to find I have left the address in the house, I start to mumble under my breath (you do not want to know what) at this rate I will be lucky to get there today never mind by 11.
I finally set off and only have one dispute with the she devil that is sat-nav she decides to send me down a one way extremely narrow and steep street, as I am trying to reverse without taking the side of a house off she devil starts screaming ‘you turn you turn’ so me being me scream back you bloody brought me up here, then I realise my window is open and there is a woman desperately trying to see who I am talking to, when she realises I am talking to myself she avoids eye contact and rushes back in her house, probably praying I do not reverse into her delightful stone cladding.
The day goes from bad to worst when I arrive at the interview I am given a task to do, now you would not believe I have run my own business designed several websites and published magazines both here and in Spain, my brain leaves the building and I am unable to even format a document, game over.
Instead of trying to find a back exit, I sit there waiting to be shown into the interview and as already know I have blown it that part does not go to bad, well at least I am able to string some sort of sentence together, They tell me they will let me know, which they probably will when they stop laughing, I make a hasty retreat before they have a chance to look at the sorry excuse of a task I have left downstairs on the computer, I do not look back expecting to see my interviewers in fits of laughter.
I return home and open my emails only to find I have another interview on Thursday and will have to go through this nightmare again, and what joy at this one I have to give a presentation what could possibly go wrong?