News from the Parish is about the humorous goings on in a village near you!
A bit of a drama at the last parish meeting when a demonstration on fire prevention by the Fire Chief took an unexpected twist.
The practical demo was to highlight the correct use of fire extinguishers after it was discovered many had been turned into flame throwers.
In his quest to purge the parish of evil spirits, the Reverend Noah Snoggphew has been blasting suspected poltergeists, trouble was half the parish had gone up in flames.
Fearing an arsonist was on the loose the entire police force, consisting of P C Dick Head, launched a full inquiry.
This came to an abrupt halt when the police toilet seat was stolen, leaving them with nothing to go on.
To minimize the danger a fire was started using safety matches, with the blaze starting to take hold an extinguisher was handed to the Fire Chief, unfortunately it was a Snoggphew special.
A sheet of flame hurtled towards a barrel of gunpowder left over from the gunpowder plot of 1605 kept on the mantelpiece above the open fire to keep it dry.
It was at this point the Fire Chief ran from the building shouting “Get the hell out of here.”
Something we haven't been able to find in the safety manual, but cometh the hour cometh the man.
Step forward hero William, the oldest resident of the parish who suffers from incontinence.
Reeling out his own personal hosepipe he went about dousing the flames while at the same time gaining relief.
The only casualty was speed junkie Ethel who was overcome, not by the fumes or smoke but by the size of William's manhood.
She offered to wave it about so the liquid was tossed over the smouldering embers, William was straight up for this but his lovely wife Mary, said “No!, He was quite capable of tossing himself.”
When all the excitement had died down it was on to the main business, deciding what type of craft should be launched on the parish boating lake.
It was argued tourists would pay handsomely to visit the lakes island where our hybrid animal lives.
Half elephant, half kangaroo it come to us many years ago from its native Australia, banished because it left large craters in the landscape whenever it jumped.
The boating lake hasn't been used since the terrible maritime novelty boat race disaster of 78 when all hands were lost from the bowl of muesli, pulled under by a strong current.
It came as no surprise that Ethel suggested turbo powered speedboats, a motion only just defeated.
Retired Admiral, C Worthy, wanted submarines with live torpedoes so he could keep the local Chinese takeaway supplied with ducks, then gondolas were mentioned.
The snoring stopped. “What do you want gondolas for?” “To put on the lake.” It was explained.
“In that case” the voice continued, “I should get two, you never know they may breed.”
Let's hope they do.
Rev G Legge (firstname.lastname@example.org)
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