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Andy Cordan art

Life's Crazy™

Courtesy of lifescrazy.com

You know what’s crazy? I’ll tell you what’s crazy!

Taking Green to the extreme!

Conserving gas is one thing; conserving sexual energy, quite another.

DATELINE: DUBLIN (AFP)

World leaders in Copenhagen have been rattling on for days about saving the planet and cutting green house gasses. OK, I get it, but when does it all become a cartoon of stupid?

I would say we have entered that animated dimension. And nothing show-cases the human race’s demise more than a recent announcement by a company that produces sex products. It’s product? a”Green Vibrator”

No not green in color, but green in terms of no emissions, well, maybe there are some emissions, but not of the carbon footprint variety.

That’s right? a Green Vibrator.

The Vibrator has a long history and is fancied by hundreds of millions of women across the globe. Just flip the switch and let it flip your switch.

The problem with this traditional pleasure tool?

The device devours batteries. Apparently Billions of batteries are used each year to stimulate and tingle the senses of the planets fairer sex. When the batteries are depleted of juice, they are thrown on the trash heap only to be replaced by another 6-volt soldier who never says no and never stops trying. It’s cyclical and wasteful. There is a growing mountain of discarded vibrator batteries in landfills and they are all leaking toxic juice into mother Earth.

So an Irish company is coming to the rescue with a product they call: Earth Angel.”

Without getting to graphic here, the Earth Angel is a wind up apparatus that you crank for a few minutes. For most men, it’s time for a nap. But for you 

women out there, after the hand cranking creates a palpable tension, like a pleasure packed rubber band, the Angel oscillates for 30, uninterrupted minutes.

Hooray! The planet is saved!

Now, if only we can get all 8 billion Chinese to buy one and use it during their lunch breaks. The collective sense of satisfaction would part the clouds and create rainbows across the planet. The only problem with this? 8 Billion satisfied customers all lighting up an unfiltered cigarette, in unison, and asphyxiating the rainbow with a toxic haze of emphysema.

I guess nothing is perfect!

So it got me thinking; why not apply Earth Angel technology to everything. Shut down the coal plants and the electric grid.

You want a hot pocket, an Eggo, an English Muffin? Crank up the Earth – TOASTER.


Need a cup of coffee? Who needs an off and on switch when you can simply wind up Mr. Coffee and brew to your heart’s content. Kid’s getting obese? No problem with Earth Angel Products. Kids walk on a treadmill that generates the electricity needed to watch Nickelodeon. When they get tired, they step off the treadmill, the TV turns off. Kids are skinnier and the planet says thanks Earth Angel.

Remember the Model T? Wasn’t it some sort of crank engine. I say screw gas and bring on the hand pump. You run out of energy, you coast to the side of the road, wind up the engine, and go another few miles. What fun? Especially in inclement conditions.

And if you are bored, you can plug your Earth Angel “green product” into the cigarette lighter of your hand cranked car and kill two birds with one stone, so to speak.

So when you really think about it, a sexual device that runs on hand generated power is not that bad an idea. Orgasms for the environment. Men have been doing it that way for centuries.

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